Perhaps true love is one that defies reason and one that you just can’t place your finger on. Pretty much like how one is drawn to a particular prose, a certain city, movie, bookstore...you just don’t know why. 

Shakespeare and company- a history of the rag and bone shop of the heart

 Glad that I bought this book. A very charming read so far especially that of the owner (after Sylvia beach) George Whitman’s travel journal. The entries spoke of a man with socialist idealism, of heart, adventures, relentless pursuit of knowledge, bibliophile, sensitivity...if only there are more of such people in the world. Perhaps this is the very reason why his bookstore outlived him and is much loved by many. I too can’t place my finger on why I am so enamored with the bookstore after visiting it just once and at a time when it was rather crowded, one barely had space to walk.  

Above the bookstore was this famous quote lifted from the book of hebrews 13:2

Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.  

I guess it’s little things like this that reminds us of our humanity and which lends the bookstore its charm

Fair weather

 I suppose sometimes people are placed into your life for you to learn something.

I’ve learned somehow that some pple are never quite truly reliable friends coz well, relationships are mainly transactional or there, to serve a purpose for some people. 

I dislike fair weather friends. People who demand your time and effort in their time of need and desperation but who are never there, when you need them. People who get on their moral high horses simply because of their own convenience and needs. Do these people truly care about morals, be it yours or theirs, if it serves their purpose? Yes everything is deserving of moral justification because it doesn’t fit into their schedule but when it suits their needs, everything else is fair game.

I’m beginning to doubt my own judgment when I’ve always been so confident of reading people. I guess maybe this time I’ve been wrong. Sometimes people justify every action and nonchalance to their own benefit and to perhaps, hide their true ugly nature from themselves. 

Hope

 The year’s almost coming to an end. Not quite sure what to make of 2020 and what to expect for the years to come. Things seem rather bleak, with the economy bleeding and the rest of the world still struggling with the pandemic. There’s a glimmer of hope that the vaccines bring. A glimmer of hope, the best kind of medicine we need, in the darkest of days. This is very much the same appeal we find in Christianity- hope. 

Been reading much less these days, taken months to finish Obama’s audacity of hope. Ahh, that word again. Talking about hope almost always reminds me of viktor frankel’s man’s search for meaning of life. Haven’t read anything too fantastic these days after grapes of wrath. Reminds me again that I ought to read of mice and men. 

Some fine movies - miracle in cell 47 and boy who harnessed the wind 

Although humanity needs hope to survive, we can’t place any hope on humanity. I suppose I need to moderate or better yet, not have any expectations of anyone. If one wants to give, one should give freely, not feel obligated, and with no expectations. I guess for some people whom I feel deserving or in need, I am more than happy to give without expecting anything in return. But for some people, I’m not sure why I just feel taken advantage of. It just puts me off that sometimes people scheme to reap benefits off you, no matter how small or petty those benefits are. I know it’s ungracious to think or feel this way but I just can’t help feeling this way. I guess I’ve not much tolerance for devious people. 

WIP

Wanted to pick up chess again but I suppose I’ll never be good at it with my limited mental capacity. Watched a beautiful day in the neighborhood which depicted the friendship between Fred Rogers and Lloyd Vogel. Rogers was practically a saint with his ability to see the good in everyone and the willingness to put in extra effort to listen and find that good. And in doing so, helping others help themselves. His wife however, insisted on others not referring to him as a saint coz that just made him seem unattainable. His goodness was likened to how one would practice playing an instrument everyday - it takes conscientious effort to be good.Fred Rogers was more than a man, he was a good man.  It started me thinking about what defines a boy vs a man.  A boy perhaps is impulsive, one who speaks without careful consideration, one who commits to things on impulse, on what they feel at a particular moment, and then regretting it later. A boy perhaps beats around the bush and not tells things as they should be. A boy is perhaps indecisive, in part due to greed or FOMO. A boy is perhaps one who is unable to take care of themselves whether in the nitty gritty details of life or their feelings. A boy is perhaps insensitive to their own needs and the needs of others. He perhaps is one who is unable to deal with problems and chooses other forms of escapism, to pretend these problems do not exist. A boy perhaps is one who is unable to live with or love himself, and constantly requires someone or something else to validate them. I guess perhaps being responsible, self-aware, kind, empathetic, self-assured, unselfish, and grit are the qualities that define a man. I suppose some of these apply to women as well but that’s a post for another day. We are all I guess, work in progress. 

Beatrice

He travelled further into the Deep South. He looked up at the sky and sighed. It would be a very long time till he could see the sun again. What terrible sin had this man committed for this expulsion to the Deep South, the curious reader might ask. The truth is he didn’t belong there. This man had the purest of soul, with not a single evil bone in him.  You see, dear reader, the sole purpose of his travel (not an expulsion), has a name. A name uttered, sends every molecule in his body into a frenzy. That name, it is Beatrice. 

Standing on the edge of a parapet,

Delusions, hallucinations,

Reality like a foggy dream.

Lost my way,

Searching for a light that doesn’t exist.

Craving for the warmth of the sun,

But the dark clouds come,

And the frost settles into the night.

I see you at a distance,

At the end of the world you stand,

Your cup is full,

But mine is empty. 

The starlit river,

It glitters like a carpet of diamonds,

But it is a river I can never cross,

In my darkness, 

I will never reach you. 

Be still

Be still and know that I am God.

Last week’s sermon is true in that it’s increasingly difficult to remain still and quiet and wait patiently for God to reveal Himself to us. The world is just too noisy and busy. As human beings, we can’t help but to take things into our own hands, letting ourselves get burnt, banging against walls, and getting ourselves all beat up and weary. For what purpose exactly? It stems from the insecurity that God does not have our back. It stems from the insecurity of uncertainty, of not knowing. It stems from impatience- the disease that grips our modern world-the need for instant gratification. It’s an ailment that knows no cure, not serious enough to be in the DSM, but equally destructive and crippling. 

The need to get what we want and quickly has driven people to crimes, debts, toxic relationships, etc. Sometimes we call such people the go-getters, the ambitious and exalt them. The go-getters sometimes manipulate and wrap others around their little finger to get what they want, not coz they want the “prize” but rather the feeling of winning. The go-getters sometimes step on everyone else, pull out all stops, and put up a theatrical show, to get to where they want to be. I suppose the benefit of age is the ability to see through these little acts; the showmanship of the go-getters can give you the chuckles but for some well, they just make you wanna leave the scene. 

Love and other things

Been a long time since I stayed out past 3am. The breeze, the view kept us awake. Meow really enjoyed the place and We talked till my voice turned hoarse. 

There are some things I realize about love and people. Some people avoid love/attachment because they fear loss. This is something that I’m guilty of sometimes. Some people they use love as a means to get to where they need to be. For instance, someone who desperately wants to be married, goes out seeking and chooses someone deemed to be suitable as a life partner  or checks all the boxes versus someone who falls in love with someone and decides to marry that someone they fell in love with. 

The latter is something that I subscribe to. You WANT to get married because you WANT to marry that person as opposed to you WANT to get married and someone comes along and you evaluate if this person is suited to get married to. 

I do wonder if one is better than the other. To the world, it may look like the same thing but I think fundamentally, it’s vastly different. One is a selfish kind of love - you are using someone to fulfil your own desire. The other to me, is pure love. But then again, people can grow to love someone. People can make a decision to love or make things work because they need it to, because they need to fulfil their own desire. Sometimes it could be that both parties have the same desires and they choose to give each other the chance to fall in love.

I do wonder though if pure love exists in a world that has grown exceedingly self-centred. 

On another note, meow said men and women may perhaps be the same, in that our egos get stroked in the same way, when someone expresses their interest in us. I reckon it contains a bit of truth coz well, human beings in general are vain and narcissistic. Most have no qualms about leading others on for their own egoistic needs and for some, perhaps as a back up plan in case they do get lonely (know too many of such assholes). I initially had rejected this notion, thinking that men would behave in this manner but not women. But after some exchange, I guess both sexes might be guilty of such offences. Disgusted that I am, I guess it’s all part of human nature. 

Can’t seem to chase the dark clouds away. I’ve already given up hope of ever finding a listening ear, a non-judgmental one, a wise one, someone with the right words. Short of all these, I don’t really see the point in talking. 

Everyone’s busy talking about the weather, their own lives, every conversation screams me me me...

I think maybe I’m getting more and more tired of human interaction. Perhaps it’s not such a bad thing to walk away sometimes. People are so caught up in their own world, that they wouldn’t notice your disappearance.

 It's interesting how the people you once thought the world of, turned out to be someone completely different over time. I'm not sure if I have become impatient, less tolerant, more judgmental or is it just that their behaviour has become inexcusable? 

Perhaps being an ass is a form of self-defense...

Venice

Watching the food show feed Phil - Venice episode, he or one of the guests mentioned the exact same thing I felt about Venice. It didn’t seem real. I told Philippe and Janie that it felt like Disneyland when they asked me how it was. Philippe was surprised. It didn’t feel that way for them. Maybe it was the crowd, the peak of summer. Maybe the place felt too picturesque. But came night time a part of that Disneyland feel did fade away. The tourists were mostly gone. The streets were quiet after a music event and teng and i got lost in the maze of similar looking streets. About Phil, he’s really charming not in a handsome sort of way, but the self-deprecating humor, the open-ness in his face and mannerisms, the child-like amazement at good food. Completely unpretentious and warm. I wish I could be like that. These days I’ve not much tolerance for inauthenticity. 

Moving on

 Sometimes our decisions are mainly driven by fear. The fear of aloneness, the fear of society’s judgment, the fear of moving on, the fear of the unknown. Most of these stem from a lack of trust in God, not truly believing that He has prepared the best things for us if we follow His way. Most times we would rather try to fix things and make things happen our way. Pastor said often we look to others to complete us, make us whole, believing foolishly that there is someone out there who can make us happy. At the end of the day, only God can make us whole, give us that peace and feeling of completeness. I’m not sure what path I should take. The future looks bleak and I’m not sure of my capability to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I’m staying on for the sentimental value, for obligations but I’m not sure if this is actually a more selfish way of living. Acknowledging that perhaps we have outgrown each other, fell out of love, moving in different directions, might be a more responsible thing to do. The hard part I suppose is answering to people when honestly, who we need to truly answer to is ourselves. 

the dark

I am beginning to believe that most people do not wish to be burdened by darkness. Only the lighter side of us is wanted. It is the only side that can be revealed to the world. Depression, moodiness, all of these have to be tucked neatly away lest people start avoiding you. It's sad really when you are only expected to be in a good place all the time. When in a dark phase what I hear is, get over it soon, i do not like this side of you, please recover faster. Everyone's impatient to chase the dark clouds away because it burdens them. No one has the time to understand, no one is willing to take the time to understand. Judging is quick and effortless.  God as always is right. Rely not on men but on Him always. 

 The rain, it came.

Its warmth trickled down

My arms.

The sun felt cold

Just like a heart 

Broken, full of doubts.

Truth lay in these tears

The lies from the years

Fell from your mouth.

A bitter laugh,

I bit my tongue,

The sorrows overwhelmed,

And I fell,

Into a bottomless pit 

Of emptiness.

Swam in darkness,

The silent screams,

no one heard.

The light I could never see.

What you took,

You took completely.

Drained of all life 

It is the end. 

 I wonder sometimes if it pays to tell someone the fire’s dangerous and you will get burnt if you touch it. People will believe what they want to believe. Why should we care so much? 

The toxicity is building up, while the remnants of the past had yet to dissipate. Who’s just paying lip service ? Who truly cares ? Who only cares for their own wants at the expense of everyone else? 

Time tells but sometimes I am doubtful too of this adage. 

 Mind’s too occupied with inessential things. Finding myself less and less interested in the things I liked to do. Just wanna take a break away from everyone,  get away from the incessant chatter, the complexities of human interactions, the endless mind games. 

 Much is often said between the lines. Truth is too much to handle. Saying and hearing, it makes no difference. 

Sometimes I think perhaps it's not so bad being a hermit. Away from all human beings. Everything's too complex. No one speaks the truth. No one cares for the truth. Coat everything with nice lies and people will love you for it. We judge before understanding and that is perhaps, something I am sometimes guilty of doing too. How do we differentiate between good and evil, hypocrisy and authenticity? This is a year when so many relationships are put to the test...how many of us will come out unscathed and perhaps, gain more clarity about people's hearts? 

This recent BS brought a little bit of comfort:

God will give us peace where we are most vulnerable. Our situations may not change but we will have the peace to get through them. God gives us the finest wheat; we will be satisfied no matter the situation. 

Some situations are beyond our control and I can understand how frustrating it is when we can do nothing about them...and that is when we need that peace from God...to know that we will get through the darkness and be okay. There is no need to keep trying to change things/ alter our paths with brute force. 

This is something i really want to believe in. That everything will be okay some day. For now, i think the only thing I can do is to seek peace and wisdom. 

Season of change

Season of change. Nothing’s normal. What’s normal? Who dictates what it is? Sometimes I just wanna fall forever, reach the bottom of the tunnel, and see what it is like. Will it bring me comfort more than trying endlessly to strive towards the light ? Life, life, life. I wish I can walk away from it. 

2020

Been almost a year since I blogged. Where did the time go? It's often easier to write than verbalise one's true thoughts. But strangely, now, even in writing, I cant gather my thoughts. This year's been a strange one and I believe I've said the exact same thing last year. Guess things are just not going back to normal. This year's pandemic, I suppose, was an opportunity for us to slow down and take stock. But are we really doing that? Or are we just indulging ourselves in other forms of frivolities? For me, it had been exercising, cooking, TV watching, reading. I suppose perhaps, I am feeling a little lost and using "things" to distract myself further rather than deal with the monster in the closet. Trying to retrace my steps and reminding myself again of what's important or what I had once dreamt of doing. Courage eludes me. Where does one acquire such a thing? This is a senseless post, which is going nowhere, and serves no purpose, except perhaps a little catharsis.  

On an unrelated note, at the beach one day with the breeze and a drink, I'd a vision of a simple life sailing around the world. Sounds like a simple dream but it obviously isn't one, with all the practicalities and consequences, one have to consider.