Mirth

I wonder why I’ve become so mirthless. From being able to laugh at every little thing, to being all gloomy and grumpy. There’s this sense of doom and a perpetual heaviness in my heart, that im finding it hard to breathe. I just want to lie in bed and not move. These dark thoughts, where are they coming from? I feel like I’ve failed everyone, including myself. Not good enough, not fast enough, not capable enough, not hardworking enough. The mountain before me seems unsurmountable. I wonder if I can make it. Perhaps I should give up. Been having these passing suicidal thoughts. 

Running away

People who care less have the upper hand. Sometimes I wonder why I bother treasuring relationships that don’t mean a thing to the other party. People can walk away without any good reasons, not taking heart of the pain they inflict on you. To think that I stuck around when everybody else abandoned ship, stuck around when he was so difficult to be with. I asked myself time and again, how I managed to dig so deep within me for that patience. Feel really used. I suppose relationships are meant to be this way these days - transactional. Easily casted away when you are no longer of any value. People decried loyalty, discredited all that you have done for them in the past, because they can no longer milk you today. 

It’s funny how nothing seems to be working out for me ever since that incident. I had been so convicted that it was a decision God wanted me to make, so convicted that I was doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if I’d been wrong and had mistaken my own folly for God’s voice.

Had I made a mistake in my decision to stay? Why have things gone all awry? From workplace relationships to work to studies to personal relationships, nothing seems to be going my way. I don’t show it but deep down, I think I’m gonna fall apart. On the outside, I’m seemingly chill and unfazed by everything but I guess, that’s just me pretending and burying everything deep within. I wish there’s a way out, that everything can be set right again. I wish I could run away.