tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86886320098608786032024-01-24T08:08:34.589+08:00My Little Black Book of BooksMaevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.comBlogger787125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-90536614478667167532023-11-10T20:10:00.003+08:002023-11-10T20:11:28.986+08:00<p>You wanted a piece of music that haunts you</p><p>A gentle weeping guitar </p><p>Strums in the distant land</p><p>Shadows fleeting in your eyes </p><p>Humming along with the sorrowful notes </p><p>Your heart beats along with the rhythm </p><p>The highs and the lows,</p><p>The strong and the weak</p><p>What is it that you seek</p><p>But never find? </p><p>Searching, searching for the answers </p><p>And the hidden truth,</p><p>When everything, everything,</p><p>Has always been as it is and was,</p><p>When everything, everything </p><p>Lies bare in front of you</p><p>But you don’t see them,</p><p>You don’t see them </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-20639253441917348772023-10-25T23:20:00.005+08:002023-10-25T23:30:26.230+08:00Focus!<p> Again I thought I was okay but started feeling sad again when I think of cookie. Wonder when the tears will stop. Losing things, people. I wonder if it gets easier with time. I seem to keep losing things/people these days. Perhaps things can only get better now. Some losses may turn out to be gains. Some people are not meant for keeps. Maybe my tolerance is wearing thin. there are people who constantly make you feel you are lesser, it’s painful but I’m cutting you loose. </p><p>Memory’s deteriorating these days. Getting a tad worried that there might be something wrong with me. The forgetfulness is too scary. I have a hard time recalling things I was thinking about just three seconds ago. What’s scarier is the frequency of it. I’m not sure if it’s coz I’m just constantly overwhelmed. Whether it’s coz of the multi-tasking. Multi tasking used to be glorified but now it has been relegated to a dirty word. My attention span is now so short that it’s appalling. I can no longer follow through a thought or focus long enough to process complex information, and reading books now take forever. Gone are the days when I can go for hours just reading. I really need to overhaul my entire life. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-77909122105242647122023-09-09T01:36:00.003+08:002023-10-25T23:30:42.801+08:00Cookie<p> Saw a huge cockroach in the kitchen. Almost felt like it was because cookie is gone that the cockroaches went on a rampage. </p><p>Feeling better today than yesterday. Much less crying.</p><p>I had dreaded going out coz I wasn’t sure if I would be a total spoilsport. </p><p>Didn’t feel like talking and socialising </p><p>But I was more communicative than expected. I could talk about cookie without crying.</p><p>But back at home it was almost like someone flipped a switch. Teared a bit that cookie is no longer here to take care of pests. That there is no longer anyone there sitting by the door waiting for our return</p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-66621386267753203622023-09-06T22:24:00.007+08:002023-10-25T23:30:54.367+08:00Cookie<p> Cookie left yesterday - 5/9/2023 3 months short of his 19th </p><p>Missing his crazy antics </p><p>It was hard going into the kitchen and not seeing his food bowl and water fountain anymore. </p><p>All I could do today was lie in bed and look at his photos and videos and cry. </p><p>We went out for a meal and drink and I burst out crying in the restaurant. Loud sobs. Embarrassing. </p><p>On the day he died, I saw a housefly flying above him. We almost never get houseflies. It was ominous and I knew. </p><p>Still I ignored my guts and went to work in the morning. The only good thing was I had enough sense to return home in the afternoon. </p><p>Kept him company. He was mewing so softly. I was engrossed in work for a while and ignored his cries. </p><p>Then I petted him again. </p><p>Then I left him again for work which took me away for just two hours. </p><p>Left at 420pm Wikki came back at 530pm and he was already gone. </p><p>I wonder why he couldn’t just wait. </p><p>Seeing him suffer I had initially thought of shifting his vet appointment to Tuesday evening. But then I thought perhaps he could just hang on for a day more. Just a little bit more time. But I guess he hated vet visit enough to leave before that. The things he would do, to run away from the vet. </p><p>My right eye hurt from too much crying.</p><p>I don’t know how to face the tasks ahead tomorrow.</p><p>Things will get better.</p><p>Memories fade and the pain will lessen </p><p>I hate u for leaving, cookie.</p><p>And I wonder how it was like for u during your last moments.</p><p>Did you suffer? </p><p>You looked relatively glam for a dying senior cat. </p><p>I thought maybe you had a chance.</p><p>I was hopeful for a while </p><p>Maybe it’s my fault for insisting on giving u a bath </p><p>Your bulb went out right after the bath. </p><p>I was impatient. </p><p>Could have waited for the waterless shampoo to come </p><p>I wished I had been there when you took your last breaths </p><p>I wish, I really wish. </p><p>I will see you again, Cookie. </p><p>Maybe soon. </p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-15232949101558648122023-08-18T00:01:00.003+08:002023-08-18T09:17:24.904+08:00<p> On some days, everything seems bleak. </p><p>Everyone wants something from you. </p><p>Nobody cares because they care. </p><p>They care because of what you can give.</p><p>They care not because of who you are.</p><p><br /></p><p>People disappoint. </p><p>Someone whom I thought to be good is no longer so.</p><p>Everyone just keeps wanting. </p><p>Nobody ever stopped to ask</p><p>If you need something.</p><p>Nobody ever asked if you need to</p><p>Rest for a while.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-75017699827950446992023-05-29T00:22:00.000+08:002023-05-29T00:22:00.907+08:00<p>The other day I woke up feeling mad. In my dream, I had an outburst when teng or Hong asked me to do something. I told them I’m already saddled with work, school, and seemingly having so many people requesting that I run errands for them. I guess it does say something about what I’m feeling almost all the time - overwhelmed. </p><p>Recently, I stupidly believed in someone, only to realise I’ve once again been taken for a ride. I wonder why and how I could be so stupid, when the truth couldn’t have been more obvious. Disappointing. </p><p>The other day a friend was talking about how she wants her remains to be dealt with after she dies. She said she would prefer for her ashes to be scattered in the sea because she doesn’t want to trouble her family and find it pointless anyway to have them pay respect to her ashes. To me though, the decision should be made by those left behind. We are dead anyway, so honestly, it doesn’t matter whether our ashes are in an urn, in the sea, or the rubbish chute. It probably matters more to those who are living. If it brings them comfort and closure having a “space” to go to, to remember their loved ones, then so be it. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-46439315618981828222023-05-13T23:59:00.004+08:002023-05-13T23:59:50.453+08:00Tuscany <p>Brings back fond memories of Tuscany: <a href="https://youtu.be/tX_AxK2jkM4">https://youtu.be/tX_AxK2jkM4</a></p><p>Tuscany seems to be perpetually bathed in soft yellow and orange light. Miss that slowness of life, that quietness, against the backdrop of rolling hills, and rows upon rows of vines. </p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-40797643485186314762023-04-01T00:05:00.000+08:002023-04-01T00:05:01.447+08:00<p> And the manipulative psychopath strikes again. I really wonder what’s her purpose in doing so and it totally befuddles me how anyone can put on a show day in and day out. Perhaps it really is necessary to lay everything on the table and confront her on all her lies. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-52493733690097100562023-02-24T20:04:00.001+08:002023-02-24T20:04:15.290+08:00<p>Dancing barefoot under the moonlight</p><p>Soft dew on the grass </p><p>Held on to you tight </p><p>Wishing the night will last. </p><p><br /></p><p>The owls hoot a good night </p><p>Rain fell onto our faces</p><p>The fears I tried to fight </p><p>Wishing you would stay. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-38582835575632740142023-01-15T22:57:00.002+08:002023-01-15T22:57:20.967+08:00<p> What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Age old adage, cliche. I wonder how true it is. Is it an irresponsible thing to say to someone in the dumps? Isn’t it implying that you are weak if you let life kill you? Is it a kind of blame we lay on those who decide to give up and end their lives ? Perhaps we do need to rethink our words. What may seem inspiring and encouraging may not necessarily mean the same thing to others. People can get broken by the things life throws at them. Not everyone can get out of the toxic web they spun for themselves. Such words are probably dished out by people who have never fallen deep enough. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-60382073210260332172023-01-05T23:18:00.003+08:002023-01-05T23:18:26.876+08:00Hermit <p> The inkwell has run dry. I think my prose has weakened ever since I stopped reading consistently. Consistency, I guess, is the only way to keep honing your craft. I’ve lost consistency in so many areas, fitness, studies, writing, reading….constantly feeling overwhelmed and tired. </p><p>This year seems like a year to write people off. Finding it harder and harder to keep relationships. I guess as we age, we grow more miserly with our time. I’ve been thinking if I’ve had too much expectations of people but without expectations, what does that make me?A doormat, a valueless thing that you keep in the darkest corner of a room in case you need it one day? I’m tired of people, having to deal with them, their motives, schemes… why can’t people just be simple - what you see is what you get. Why do we need to complicate things by scheming, attacking, defending? Why can’t we just say whatever’s on our mind? Why can’t our intentions be pure? </p><p>Perhaps the hermit life suits me better. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-48475730745479059032022-10-28T09:32:00.000+08:002022-10-28T09:32:17.249+08:00Dunning-kruger effect applies to character Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-34530868003595553742022-10-06T23:37:00.004+08:002022-10-06T23:37:33.864+08:00<p>And then I remembered, I used to write poetries. Everyday feels the same these days and I feel uninspired. There were a million and one things I wanted to explore/ experience but all these seem to have faded away and I’ve lost desires for most things. Pottery, poetries, paintings, piano, ukulele, scrapbooking, photography. Well I guess at least I’m still exercising, drinking, journaling, and reading. Suppose these count for something, I hope? My days are just crazy gray.</p><p>Skip a stone, </p><p>Ripples in the water,</p><p>The tears of the sun,</p><p>Glisten like diamonds.</p><p>I remember a day,</p><p>When the world was asleep,</p><p>and it was just me,</p><p>And my silent breaths.</p><p>I was alive,</p><p>I truly was,</p><p>Once.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-6304860370794346582022-09-25T21:54:00.000+08:002022-09-25T21:54:09.813+08:00Mirth<p>I wonder why I’ve become so mirthless. From being able to laugh at every little thing, to being all gloomy and grumpy. There’s this sense of doom and a perpetual heaviness in my heart, that im finding it hard to breathe. I just want to lie in bed and not move. These dark thoughts, where are they coming from? I feel like I’ve failed everyone, including myself. Not good enough, not fast enough, not capable enough, not hardworking enough. The mountain before me seems unsurmountable. I wonder if I can make it. Perhaps I should give up. Been having these passing suicidal thoughts. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-32110985827773304692022-09-19T22:51:00.000+08:002022-09-19T22:51:01.531+08:00Running away<p>People who care less have the upper hand. Sometimes I wonder why I bother treasuring relationships that don’t mean a thing to the other party. People can walk away without any good reasons, not taking heart of the pain they inflict on you. To think that I stuck around when everybody else abandoned ship, stuck around when he was so difficult to be with. I asked myself time and again, how I managed to dig so deep within me for that patience. Feel really used. I suppose relationships are meant to be this way these days - transactional. Easily casted away when you are no longer of any value. People decried loyalty, discredited all that you have done for them in the past, because they can no longer milk you today. </p><p>It’s funny how nothing seems to be working out for me ever since that incident. I had been so convicted that it was a decision God wanted me to make, so convicted that I was doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if I’d been wrong and had mistaken my own folly for God’s voice.</p><p>Had I made a mistake in my decision to stay? Why have things gone all awry? From workplace relationships to work to studies to personal relationships, nothing seems to be going my way. I don’t show it but deep down, I think I’m gonna fall apart. On the outside, I’m seemingly chill and unfazed by everything but I guess, that’s just me pretending and burying everything deep within. I wish there’s a way out, that everything can be set right again. I wish I could run away. </p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-20579265740777039682022-07-23T12:04:00.000+08:002022-07-23T12:04:08.515+08:00<p>The Pharisees. I see so much of the Pharisees syndrome in people. Those blessed with gifts of intelligence, wealth, privilege, turning into snobs and being overly judgmental of everyone. Never bothering to walk in someone’s shoes, not seeing the good in people, thinking everyone who falls short is just lazy. Some people put the knowledge and skills they acquire to good use, while others just use them as a means to persecute people. Masquerading one’s arrogance, pride, as their superior than thou character/principles. To these people, there’s only one truth, their own. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-86798702741740961482022-05-29T22:21:00.000+08:002022-05-29T22:21:27.375+08:00Fatigue<p>The sadness, frustration, and pressure have been bubbling deep inside me. Some days I just feel like giving up, running away, and hiding. Nothing seems to be going my way. Relationships are failing and I sometimes get the feeling that, the foundation of many a friendship is only skin-deep. Perhaps i should have let some people go a long time ago. Them being in my life have brought me regrets and sadness. How do I get over the fear of cutting ties off? How do I be cool about losing people and not keep feeling that ache? How should I forget and move on? </p><p>On the study and work front, I’ve started doubting my own abilities and mental capacity. Finding myself becoming more and more dull-witted, unfocused, and missing details. It’s like I can no longer connect the dots. I fear it might be early dementia. The poor memory, the inability to reason, easily ruffled, not remembering routes and words, inability to focus…the pressure is building coz it seems like I’ve not been progressing, and the No of obstacles just keep piling up. Sometimes I feel so anxious and afraid, that I just feel fatigued and unable to move. </p><p>I am so tired. I wonder if I deserve anything. Wonder if I can keep finding the strength to move, to keep myself alive. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-82602978548314173722022-04-27T00:03:00.003+08:002022-04-27T00:03:38.493+08:00Unthinking men<p> Hannah arendt- the danger of the unthinking man. </p><p>Was eichmann truly evil or was he just a victim of circumstances? Would we have done the same things as he did, taking orders unquestioningly, believing that we are just “doing our job”? </p><p>Isn’t behavior like this very militant? When soldiers kill, should they then be branded as murderers or evil men? The purpose could be deemed as a moral duty to protect our countrymen but the end result is still the same, isn’t it? There’s blood on your hands no matter how we justify it. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-38161648064397416672022-03-14T23:49:00.001+08:002022-03-14T23:49:44.461+08:00<p> it feels like i have already run out of steam. Doubts, fears, anxiety start creeping in. Sometimes i wonder why I am doing this. whether is it really worth it? Will everything come to naught? What's really my priority? What's really valuable to me? Would i have been happier finding ways to make more money, retire early, and go RV-ing/sailing for the rest of my life? I am not sure why hollowness scares me, that lack of a sense of purpose/utility. Fewer and fewer things entice me these days, not big cars, not money, not big houses, nor the latest shiniest gadgets. Some days I just wish I can lie on a beach and read a book and not have anyone or a to-do list bothering me. </p><p>I have been vacillating between cutting some people off completely but a small part of me just can't bear to do it. is it better to keep someone in your life even if it stings to do so or to just stop all contact because you no longer believe a single word this person says, nor do you find value in the relationship anymore. I guess it's just my expectations and the resulting disappointments. Perhaps I should just learn to stop trusting and take everything with a pinch of salt. I really shouldnt be wasting time on unnecessary things and people anymore when they dont give me the time of day. </p><p><br /></p><p> <br /></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-84564045855708766512022-03-04T23:34:00.007+08:002022-03-04T23:34:50.238+08:00Vanity <p> Just a thought that came to me. It’s often easier to appear all nice and encouraging by telling people what they want to hear - they did a great job, they are wonderful, look great, etc. perhaps on the surface, after having our egos stroke, we think that the flatterer is seemingly a good person who always has something positive to say to everyone. On second thoughts however, I wonder how much of our interests does this person have/ care about? Wouldn’t it be in our best interest if someone points to us gently, on how we could be better, on what our failings are? By offering only praises (fake or otherwise), is that person only acting in his/her own interest - to be well-liked? And if we venture a step further, why is it important to this person to be in your good books? Is it so as to gain some benefits, or is it just a way for him /her to pave a route for future favors? I guess people like that understand and thus pander to that human weakness called vanity.</p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-5949916960086041822022-03-04T16:27:00.003+08:002022-03-04T16:27:21.365+08:00<p><span style="background-color: white;"> needed to vent and wanted to just write about how<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 15.4px;"> life is like a never ending to-do list. Funnily, the post that came up when i typed the blog's address into the search bar, was a post i wrote in Sep 2021, saying the exact same thing. Feeling extremely tired and anxious about the million and one things i have to do and which seem to never get struck off my to-do list. I seemingly have a ton of to-dos in my work, school, personal development, fitness, home improvement projects, hobbies, etc. lists. And that's not even including the time i need for family, friends. I seem to be running out of time or am I just running too slow to stay in the game? </span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 15.4px;">Days like these I just wish I have the speed, focus, and capabilities of a superhuman. </span></span></p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-74049027243115458152022-02-19T09:27:00.005+08:002022-02-19T22:25:06.218+08:00Pride<p>Sometimes the best gifts can be a curse if we are not careful and learn how to temper our arrogance and pride. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-48812053660461347812022-02-17T21:57:00.001+08:002022-02-17T21:57:30.031+08:00<p> Took leave which was meant to be a farewell gathering for janie but ended up spending the entire day moping and crying. Part of me wondered why I had allowed myself to stake my entire life on this place, that if shit happens, I’ll be miserable and stuck with nowhere else to go. Yet part of me knows that there is nowhere else I really want to be. Some incidents woke me up and I realised that sometimes the truth is right before my eyes, and yet the sweet lies are so comforting, that I knowingly buy into them despite myself. There were decisions that I knew in my guts, were wrong but I didn’t trust myself and overanalysed everything and ended up being more wrong than ever. Such is life. I should surrender myself to my guts next time. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-80309551914476716282022-02-17T15:58:00.000+08:002022-02-17T15:58:19.555+08:00<p> I just feel like I’ve been making all the wrong decisions since the resignation hooha last year. Although perhaps that’s the one thing I still feel I did right, everything else that happened since then just filled me with regrets. I should really start all over again. </p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8688632009860878603.post-64524262910534973352021-09-30T17:20:00.000+08:002021-09-30T17:20:16.003+08:00Price tag <p>Suppose it doesn’t take much for one to lose trust in another person. Price tag:$20</p>Maevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08914127875542132137noreply@blogger.com0