Price tag

Suppose it doesn’t take much for one to lose trust in another person. Price tag:$20

I suppose it’s much easier to find an employee who’s smart, clever, capable but perhaps, not an easy feat to find someone of good character. I realise that people are becoming more and more competitive, and there’s this urgency to outshine each other. We want to lay claim to every success, ensuring that we get due recognition for all that we do. We do things not because we genuinely care but because we want to impress the boss and others. I have seen it oftentimes that desperate need to make it known to the boss, that we are doing this and that, burdening the boss with one too many details and unnecessary emails because we have to take credit for every little thing we do. There’s no teamwork, no sharing of resources, no sharing of credits. Everything is about me and mine, mine, mine. It appalls me the length people go to, to make themselves look good at the expense of others. Thing is, whatever u think u r doing in secret, will somehow come to light one day. 

Wonder why life is like a never ending to-do list. Can one be truly happy and contented without pursuits? 

Kierkegaard

How important is it to you that God is true ? 

After so much tears, heart aches, and sleepless nights, I ended up where I’d started - pursuing a PhD. I suppose now I have a better clarity of why I want to pursue it. The original reason was mainly for progression, as I didn’t want to be stuck forever as a RA. After all the turmoil, I finally realised that the real and more important reason is to better equip myself with the skills necessary to sustain what we had built over the last decade and ensuring boss’ legacy stays even when he’s no longer around. At least there’s no longer any uncertainty and I’m sure now this is where I want to be, even if it doesn’t pay as well. I hope this clarity remains and never gets distracted by worldly desires. Over the course of mulling, I also realised perhaps I really do not need much. That old desire of wanting more because everyone else around me is faring so much better economically and because I sometimes get mocked for being an underpaid contract worker despite studying so much, has I hope faded somewhat. I also learnt the importance of having close, wise Christian friends who can guide me towards decisions that are God-pleasing rather than world- pleasing. Sometimes I think decisions would have been much easier if I were just an average worldly person. Always choose money. Always choose self interest. Most people I asked had pointed out that the choice is clear - money talks, stability counts. Loyalty, values, self-sacrifice do not put food on the table. At the end of the day, the person that loses out is you. I guess all these struck fear in my heart. I cried many a times after listening to the song that boss sent - I won’t let you go. That deep sorrow stems from the knowledge that I do not trust God, do not have that reassurance that I can live a life without anxiety and that he can take care of all things. I suppose it’s true that I’m going through a mid life crisis as I’m starting to think that I might not have realised my full potential, and not putting what little gifts I have to good use. I realised everything is about mindset and the ability to relook at things from a different angle.  The very same decision a couple of days was still fraught with bitterness and unhappiness as I felt that I’m short changing myself but now that I know it’s for a long term goal and greater good, I feel more at peace.

On a side note, over lunch with a friend, he said the same thing that I sometimes get taken advantage of because I do not know how to protect my self interest. But I do not want to go there anymore. It brings me nothing but misery.  

Starting over

Set my mind to do what’s right, hopefully meaningful, and long-lasting. I thought I’d the vision and goal that this route might be the best for me but then I find myself backtracking and wondering yet again, how much am I willing to short change myself. 

This turmoil has thrown me into a cloud of darkness I can’t get out of and I just find myself getting more and more depressed, frustrated, and angry. I should have moved on perhaps. Should have. I wish I had held my ground and stuck to my guns. Some things had triggered me to leave in the first place. Why did I forget what they were?  

Suddenly just feel like tearing down my entire life and rebuilding all over again. Is that even a possibility? Start a completely new and different life ? 

I thought things will be better once I decided but i still feel this deep sadness. Will I regret? Did I willingly choose to walk away from a good thing ? Why is it so hard to make a firm decision ? Why can’t I just leave with excitement and hope for the future? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Yet I stubbornly want to control and weigh everything. I hate this so much. Why did I even apply for the job? Couldn’t I have been contented with just staying put, not progressing, not growing, not doing anything new? But I just feel this sense of restlessness. Would taking a break have been all that I had needed? 

Just feels like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. Not that I lack the courage to leave but I just feel this extreme sadness. I can’t figure out why. Is it simply because I feel apologetic and guilt ridden for disappointing my boss? Is it coz I’m touched by him trying so hard to retain a mediocre staff? I don’t know. Feeling confused and lost all over again. Should I be short changing myself in the name of loyalty? Should I even worry that I will be short changed ? Should I heck care about what the future will bring? But I know deep down if I stay just coz I do not wish to disappoint him, I will end up being bitter should all the promises he made come to naught, or when I feel short changed. And that’s not a place I want to be. 

Days are a little drab and I’ve been stuck in this dull, lifeless mood. The tiniest of things set the tears flowing, like how dad’s HTN and him not informing us of his being hospitalised for kidney stones. Then the thought of leaving, the messages from boss, all just set me off. I’m at the extreme ends of  being weepy and short-fused. Everything just seems bleak and joyless and there’s really nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep me going. Perhaps that’s the main reason why I’m diving head on into a job and environment I am likely unsuited for, where freedom is limited, and where I’m taking a slight loss in income for a heavier workload. Must be bordering on the edge of insanity but I’m honestly getting frustrated at doing the same things,

and feeling a little disappointed at people in the office and how things are not the same as before. Lastly I’m so worried about the future, about not getting grants, not being able to progress, of having to do the same things again even after phd and worse still, having to compete with others for grants at a ripe old age of I dunno 50? I wish there’s an easy answer to everything. I wish sometimes God gives us a clue as to what the future holds. Should we not care about the future but just focus on the now, what gives us joy and meaning at this very moment? I don’t know. 

And then it was dark

 It was a sunny day,

The water was cool and blue,

She dived into its embrace,

The cold startled her heart,

For once in a very long time,

She felt alive. 

She sunk deeper 

Into the abyss of blue

The weariness taking flight 

She was free. 

Good night, she mouthed the words,

The bubbles fluttered away,

And then,

It was dark. 

 When will the tears stop? I hate this feeling, this reaction, these emotions. It’s not life and death. Nothing lasts forever. It’s just a stage in life, a bridge to cross. How does one stand still forever ? 

I need to control these thoughts and feelings a little more. 

Just weirdly tearing up over the weekend and not knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s just frustration of not being able to move forward, not being able to make the decision that I think is right for me. Maybe there’s too much chatter around me, making it harder for me to think with clarity and a sound mind. I feel weary. Isn’t this what I had prayed for and wanted? Why the second thoughts ? Have I been too driven by fear? I don’t think many will understand and empathize the insecurities of contract workers. We don’t get extra benefits, higher pay, etc. yet year after year, we wonder if we will have still have a job when the grant well runs dry. And I think, it has made me stay stagnant for so long, not daring to make a move coz I don’t know with certainty what the future holds. Although technically, even with a perm job, one can lose one’s job too but still. What do I really want? Either way seems like a lose-lose situation for me. 

Why do I feel sad and heartbroken by this? Maybe it’s insanity, fatigue, boredom creeping in. Didn’t respond to anyone today, even my boss’ several messages went unanswered. Just not in the mood to talk to anyone or tell anyone what I’m feeling and going through. I don’t think anyone will understand and probably think I’m crazy or hormonal. 

Maybe I am. Who knows ? I wish I have all the answers. 

Empty souls roam the streets

lit by neon lights of red and blue

Shadows of illusion casted by the moon

I find no hearts to be true. 

Searching for a safe haven

The restless souls know no peace

it is fool's gold at the rainbow's end

Their search will never cease.

What do they dream?

The haunted souls know no sleep

Eyes wide open and buried in,

An abyss of lies too deep.

 A little disappointed that the job offer did not come through. Although in the first place, i did admittedly feel a bit reluctant to apply for the post, as having to leave my comfort zone is just well, uncomfortable. But i was reminded again that at one point in time, I was determined to leave coz of all the disappointing relationships and issues in the office. Find it a little hard to believe at times, how someone who's barely a year into the job, can have the power to make two people want to resign. Adding to all these issues, is the feeling of being overlooked and hitting the progression ceiling, whilst everyone else is moving forward. Is attaining a PhD really the only way to go for me, is it well worth my time, money, and effort? Am i pursuing it for the sake of just a piece of paper, a sorry excuse to progress, or the freedom to do what I want, without being at anyone's beck and call? the latter is perhaps, just an ideal, which may not happen, given the short career span that I will have. Decision, decision..do I bite the bullet and take the paycut, look elsewhere or continue being miserable where I am?

A reminder to myself as well, that some people, are no longer worth my time and effort. it's perhaps not the friendship they cherish, but rather what they can take from you. Easily casted aside and replaceable during peacetime. 

Fear

I suppose I’m by nature a worrier, weighing every single step never daring to take a risk. Perhaps this may be a source of discontentment coz you know deep down, you are not pursuing all that you want and it makes you feel trapped. 

Fear I guess is a way we protect ourselves, the way human beings have used it to increase their odds of survival. We have used it so well that now we fear even when there’s no imminent threat, we fear the unknown, the future, things that are not even in existence now. 

Is being too comfortable uncomfortable ? For me perhaps I feel that way at times and I wonder how people can go on living perfect lives being comfortable. I wish I could be like that - no pursuit, with nary a care.  

Burnout

 We are trapped in our cocoon, not knowing how others are, or how we really are. Although I can’t say I absolutely abhor CB or its milder version, I feel a sense of disconnect from people. Also finding myself getting a little short these days & being more calculative of my time and effort. Sometimes I just feel so inundated by everyone’s request and I wonder if I’ve inevitably become everyone’s PA and someone everyone takes for granted.  I’m not sure if there can come a day when I can let others do the heavy lifting for me. But knowing myself, it’s probably hard for me to ask for favor or help. Feeling really sick and tired. 

Hermit crabs

The home has become the workplace, the bar, the restaurant, the gym, the bbq, the library, the theatre, the church, these days. Wonder if we will all become hermits in time to come. 

 Re-reading Sophie’s World. It amazes me how Democritus could through pure thoughts, derive at the atom theory. 

On another note, it also amazes me the length people would go just to get what they want. The schemes, the deceits, planting toxicity. Is it really worth that kind of effort to play mind games to attain your goal. Wouldn’t it be so much more honorable to attain something based purely on your own merit? Do connections really matter that much? Does creating a picture perfect image of yourself mean that you have to bring everyone else down? Is it even necessary to make yourself out to be perfect? Ain’t imperfections so much more real? Is it a matter of pride and egoism to make up lies just coz your advances had been spurned? Human beings can be so scary at times. 

Breath of dream

 The beauty of yesterdays,

Faded.

Came to believe that,

Nothing lasts forever. 

Here for a moment,

Thought I tasted eternity.

It was gone,

Temporal,

Like a breath of dream. 

Faceless, nameless crowds,

Silenced the whispers 

That threatened to shatter the cacophony. 

What was heard was unheard

What was seen was unseen

The burden is meant for one to bear.

What a fool to believe,

The goodness, the goodness,

It’s a lie that lives in fairy tales.

Sometimes I wonder why the person who initiates a break up gets blamed and casted in a bad light. Is the person who wants to leave a relationship always to blame? Perhaps that person deserves a pat on the back instead for being mature and brave enough to end things rather than dragging things on just for the sake of being responsible/kind. 

Sometimes we hear people lament oh but s/he didn’t do anything wrong, s/he is such a good person.. xyz must be really bad/stupid to dump him/her. I wonder if it’s crueler to carry on a relationship with someone knowing that s/he isn’t the right one? Aren’t we short-changing that person ? 

I wonder why it’s so hard to do the right thing. Perhaps of society’s judgment, perhaps of fear, perhaps of the unknown, perhaps of all the things we’ve accumulated that need to be cut off from our lives....