it feels like i have already run out of steam. Doubts, fears, anxiety start creeping in. Sometimes i wonder why I am doing this. whether is it really worth it? Will everything come to naught? What's really my priority? What's really valuable to me? Would i have been happier finding ways to make more money, retire early, and go RV-ing/sailing for the rest of my life? I am not sure why hollowness scares me, that lack of a sense of purpose/utility. Fewer and fewer things entice me these days, not big cars, not money, not big houses, nor the latest shiniest gadgets. Some days I just wish I can lie on a beach and read a book and not have anyone or a to-do list bothering me. 

I have been vacillating between cutting some people off completely but a small part of me just can't bear to do it. is it better to keep someone in your life even if it stings to do so or to just stop all contact because you no longer believe a single word this person says, nor do you find value in the relationship anymore. I guess it's just my expectations and the resulting disappointments. Perhaps I should just learn to stop trusting and take everything with a pinch of salt. I really shouldnt be wasting time on unnecessary things and people anymore when they dont give me the time of day. 

 

Vanity

 Just a thought that came to me. It’s often easier to appear all nice and encouraging by telling people what they want to hear - they did a great job, they are wonderful, look great, etc. perhaps on the surface, after having our egos stroke, we think that the flatterer is seemingly a good person who always has something positive to say to everyone. On second thoughts however, I wonder how much of our interests does this person have/ care about? Wouldn’t it be in our best interest if someone points to us gently, on how we could be better, on what our failings are? By offering only praises (fake or otherwise), is that person only acting in his/her own interest - to be well-liked? And if we venture a step further, why is it important to this person to be in your good books? Is it so as to gain some benefits, or is it just a way for him /her to pave a route for future favors? I guess people like that understand and thus pander to that human weakness called vanity.

 needed to vent and wanted to just write about how life is like a never ending to-do list. Funnily, the post that came up when i typed the blog's address into the search bar, was a post i wrote in Sep 2021, saying the exact same thing. Feeling extremely tired and anxious about the million and one things i have to do and which seem to never get struck off my to-do list. I seemingly have a ton of to-dos in my work, school, personal development, fitness, home improvement projects, hobbies, etc. lists. And that's not even including the time i need for family, friends. I seem to be running out of time or am I just running too slow to stay in the game? 

Days like these I just wish I have the speed, focus, and capabilities of a superhuman.