Monday, May 22, 2017

Coulda woulda shoulda

She decided then that it will be a secret she would keep forever in her heart.
She watched him walk away and knew they would probably never meet again.

Dawn turned to dusk and dusk to dawn, the years passed.
She got married with 2.5 kids, a white picket fence (no, not really, a small apartment actually in the lower east side), and was widowed at the age of 62.

Her eyes are almost blind with cataracts now and she walks stiffly.

But even in the hazy world she lives in now, she sees him again at the park where she has been taking her walks for the last ten years.

He is different now but his eyes, through them, she can still find the boy she once knew and loved.

He sees her too and with a little courage...

Coffee? He asks.

It is a date that came a little too late

She nods her head and smiles, a little bemused at how age has eradicated the shyness of her youth.

They take a slow walk in silence to a cafe by the lake- a charming glass house filled with blooming flowers and hanging planters.

They sit opposite each other in a quiet corner of the cafe.. He orders his americano, she, her flat white.

She stares at him, unable to look away.

She wants to touch his crowfeet, the wrinkles.. so much time has passed. She feels strange- young and old at the same time.

She chuckles softly, shaking her head and thinks of all the coulda shoulda woulda.

You can have the world beneath your feet but time, it slips through your fingers and never returns.

Monday, May 15, 2017

I miss the quiet. The coolness and stillness of the night air. The smell of the wet grass.
The sounds of the crickets chirping. This place is just too noisy.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Hollow dreams

Let us go to places unknown,
Secret gardens and islands old,
Magic dragons and friendly trolls.
Feel the wind and the tragic snow
Sail the seas and hear the roosters crow.
Hold my hand and we will go,
Hold our breaths and we will know,
We have found the rainbow's gold.

Hear the crickets moan,
As I play on the old banjo,
You sang me a song of sweet chariot swinging low,
My lips to the words I follow
And with you I sang that song of old.
Swing low, sweet chariot, swing low.
That tree of weepy willow,
so full of mellow,
It bends and it sways wherever the wind blows,
To the ends of the world with you I will go,
But then the night shatters and I am all alone,
It is only but a dream hollow.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

The sea

Thought of finding something simple to paint to ease myself back to painting again but oh the horrors of painting the sea! Being greedy I painted an extra wave and it just looked weird now... sigh.. any errors mean re-painting most part of it..
This much took me a few seatings... probably the longest time I've spent painting anything. The colors are difficult to blend and mimick.... a real pain....

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Lazy days

been lazy these days- not painting, reading little, not writing... spent my time watching random YouTube videos, playing games... ugh. I feel sorry for the time wasted on nothing.

Last week's study was on Revelations chpt 14.... someone mentioned that there is a possibility that it will be heaven on earth after the last days. Instead of us thinking of heaven as a place up there, earth will be restored to God's original plan of a Garden of Eden. Hence we should do our part for this coming "restoration"- caring for the environment and other social concerns.

Perhaps that's true although I couldn't wrap my head around it at first. My thoughts had always been that this earth is deteriorating, that no matter what we do, it is futile- we are just heading for self-destruction. Morbid? Yes but that's the law of entropy, isn't it? I don't see how in my finite mind that the earth could be transformed to paradise. But all these don't really matter, whether it is heaven on earth or a new heaven..I believe somehow that this life is just a dress rehearsal...
Yes we need to be concerned about the environment, people, social issues, etc because all of these belong to God and we are called to be stewards of His creation. In this life, we hone ourselves to be better stewards such that when earth is restored to perfection, history will not repeat itself  because those who are in it, have prep a lifetime for this.

At cell today, I was saying how "split" I feel at times- being a different person when I am in different company. Which of me is my true self? The beer swigging one, the meek church mouse, the tactless sharp tongue one, the diplomatic one? But I think perhaps all of us are like that.. some maybe more so than others.. I don't know.

Hadn't done the review for Neil Gail nan's truth is a cave in the black mountains. Man, this book gave me the creeps just like the ocean at the end of the lane. I can't put my finger on it but there's just something sinister in the things he writes...

Need to get things organized, scheduled and then sticking to the schedule.
Really need to paint and start taking online courses and getting my project sorted out. Been procrastinating and procrastinating.... procrastination is a disease that eats at you.

I agree that the things we regret the most are those we didn't do, rather than those we did. Even if things ended up badly because of what we did, oftentimes there is a lesson to take away from it. But for things we didn't do, what lessons do we draw from them? Nothing...

Sunday, April 9, 2017

The heart is ill these days- filled with doubts and whatnots. Today at service, I began to wonder if Christ was truly the Messiah or was it all a myth? I shudder to think that I could think of things like that. I pushed the thoughts away as I couldn't bear my own disbelief and scepticism. Why is my heart hard? Why is it so difficult to truly embrace God and to put God In the Centre of my life? Went for block outreach today; was initially dragging my feet but later found that I quite enjoyed the task.
I guess I need to pray harder and to dwell in His words more.

On a side note, it is strange how these days most people brush away the importance of religion in a relationship. How do two people come together, move together when their very core beliefs and values are vastly different? For instance, a Christian might believe in the everlasting life and so lend little significance to the now and the world s/he lives in, which is contrary to what the non-believer values- the now, materialism, etc.
society also tends to emphasise the importance of self- we see the tons of books in the self-help section of a bookstore-where else the Christian belief is one that emphasizes losing the self.
How do we reconcile these differences?
Although I cannot say that I've been in the Christian community for a long time but i do observe a difference between a godly man and one who is not. I can't place a finger on it but the godly man seems to exude a certain radiance, softness and goodness which I don't see in most people.

A writer's diary- Virginia Woolf

I enjoyed Virginia Woolf's prose a lot; she had a flair for creating sentences that fill you with amazement at its creativity and beauty. The book is as the title exemplifies, all about her struggles with writing, books she read, her association with other writers, etc. it gives the impression that writing is her life, the sole purpose of her living. She was just so preoccupied with it- writing in her diary, drafting her novels, writing book reviews... she wrote of her anxieties over others' opinions of her novels- she cared too much whether others like it but eventually she managed to convince herself that what others thought were ic no significance to her.
I didn't manage to finish the book, had to return it to the library. I must admit after reading half the book it did get a little boring.
What I admired about Woolf is that she was constantly honing her craft and also had this deep interest in reading- oftentimes planing her reading list, ensuring to vary it and including Greek and French into her reading.