Kierkegaard

How important is it to you that God is true ? 

After so much tears, heart aches, and sleepless nights, I ended up where I’d started - pursuing a PhD. I suppose now I have a better clarity of why I want to pursue it. The original reason was mainly for progression, as I didn’t want to be stuck forever as a RA. After all the turmoil, I finally realised that the real and more important reason is to better equip myself with the skills necessary to sustain what we had built over the last decade and ensuring boss’ legacy stays even when he’s no longer around. At least there’s no longer any uncertainty and I’m sure now this is where I want to be, even if it doesn’t pay as well. I hope this clarity remains and never gets distracted by worldly desires. Over the course of mulling, I also realised perhaps I really do not need much. That old desire of wanting more because everyone else around me is faring so much better economically and because I sometimes get mocked for being an underpaid contract worker despite studying so much, has I hope faded somewhat. I also learnt the importance of having close, wise Christian friends who can guide me towards decisions that are God-pleasing rather than world- pleasing. Sometimes I think decisions would have been much easier if I were just an average worldly person. Always choose money. Always choose self interest. Most people I asked had pointed out that the choice is clear - money talks, stability counts. Loyalty, values, self-sacrifice do not put food on the table. At the end of the day, the person that loses out is you. I guess all these struck fear in my heart. I cried many a times after listening to the song that boss sent - I won’t let you go. That deep sorrow stems from the knowledge that I do not trust God, do not have that reassurance that I can live a life without anxiety and that he can take care of all things. I suppose it’s true that I’m going through a mid life crisis as I’m starting to think that I might not have realised my full potential, and not putting what little gifts I have to good use. I realised everything is about mindset and the ability to relook at things from a different angle.  The very same decision a couple of days was still fraught with bitterness and unhappiness as I felt that I’m short changing myself but now that I know it’s for a long term goal and greater good, I feel more at peace.

On a side note, over lunch with a friend, he said the same thing that I sometimes get taken advantage of because I do not know how to protect my self interest. But I do not want to go there anymore. It brings me nothing but misery.  

Starting over

Set my mind to do what’s right, hopefully meaningful, and long-lasting. I thought I’d the vision and goal that this route might be the best for me but then I find myself backtracking and wondering yet again, how much am I willing to short change myself. 

This turmoil has thrown me into a cloud of darkness I can’t get out of and I just find myself getting more and more depressed, frustrated, and angry. I should have moved on perhaps. Should have. I wish I had held my ground and stuck to my guns. Some things had triggered me to leave in the first place. Why did I forget what they were?  

Suddenly just feel like tearing down my entire life and rebuilding all over again. Is that even a possibility? Start a completely new and different life ? 

I thought things will be better once I decided but i still feel this deep sadness. Will I regret? Did I willingly choose to walk away from a good thing ? Why is it so hard to make a firm decision ? Why can’t I just leave with excitement and hope for the future? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Yet I stubbornly want to control and weigh everything. I hate this so much. Why did I even apply for the job? Couldn’t I have been contented with just staying put, not progressing, not growing, not doing anything new? But I just feel this sense of restlessness. Would taking a break have been all that I had needed? 

Just feels like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. Not that I lack the courage to leave but I just feel this extreme sadness. I can’t figure out why. Is it simply because I feel apologetic and guilt ridden for disappointing my boss? Is it coz I’m touched by him trying so hard to retain a mediocre staff? I don’t know. Feeling confused and lost all over again. Should I be short changing myself in the name of loyalty? Should I even worry that I will be short changed ? Should I heck care about what the future will bring? But I know deep down if I stay just coz I do not wish to disappoint him, I will end up being bitter should all the promises he made come to naught, or when I feel short changed. And that’s not a place I want to be. 

Days are a little drab and I’ve been stuck in this dull, lifeless mood. The tiniest of things set the tears flowing, like how dad’s HTN and him not informing us of his being hospitalised for kidney stones. Then the thought of leaving, the messages from boss, all just set me off. I’m at the extreme ends of  being weepy and short-fused. Everything just seems bleak and joyless and there’s really nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep me going. Perhaps that’s the main reason why I’m diving head on into a job and environment I am likely unsuited for, where freedom is limited, and where I’m taking a slight loss in income for a heavier workload. Must be bordering on the edge of insanity but I’m honestly getting frustrated at doing the same things,

and feeling a little disappointed at people in the office and how things are not the same as before. Lastly I’m so worried about the future, about not getting grants, not being able to progress, of having to do the same things again even after phd and worse still, having to compete with others for grants at a ripe old age of I dunno 50? I wish there’s an easy answer to everything. I wish sometimes God gives us a clue as to what the future holds. Should we not care about the future but just focus on the now, what gives us joy and meaning at this very moment? I don’t know. 

And then it was dark

 It was a sunny day,

The water was cool and blue,

She dived into its embrace,

The cold startled her heart,

For once in a very long time,

She felt alive. 

She sunk deeper 

Into the abyss of blue

The weariness taking flight 

She was free. 

Good night, she mouthed the words,

The bubbles fluttered away,

And then,

It was dark.