Just weirdly tearing up over the weekend and not knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s just frustration of not being able to move forward, not being able to make the decision that I think is right for me. Maybe there’s too much chatter around me, making it harder for me to think with clarity and a sound mind. I feel weary. Isn’t this what I had prayed for and wanted? Why the second thoughts ? Have I been too driven by fear? I don’t think many will understand and empathize the insecurities of contract workers. We don’t get extra benefits, higher pay, etc. yet year after year, we wonder if we will have still have a job when the grant well runs dry. And I think, it has made me stay stagnant for so long, not daring to make a move coz I don’t know with certainty what the future holds. Although technically, even with a perm job, one can lose one’s job too but still. What do I really want? Either way seems like a lose-lose situation for me. 

Why do I feel sad and heartbroken by this? Maybe it’s insanity, fatigue, boredom creeping in. Didn’t respond to anyone today, even my boss’ several messages went unanswered. Just not in the mood to talk to anyone or tell anyone what I’m feeling and going through. I don’t think anyone will understand and probably think I’m crazy or hormonal. 

Maybe I am. Who knows ? I wish I have all the answers.