After so much tears, heart aches, and sleepless nights, I ended up where I’d started - pursuing a PhD. I suppose now I have a better clarity of why I want to pursue it. The original reason was mainly for progression, as I didn’t want to be stuck forever as a RA. After all the turmoil, I finally realised that the real and more important reason is to better equip myself with the skills necessary to sustain what we had built over the last decade and ensuring boss’ legacy stays even when he’s no longer around. At least there’s no longer any uncertainty and I’m sure now this is where I want to be, even if it doesn’t pay as well. I hope this clarity remains and never gets distracted by worldly desires. Over the course of mulling, I also realised perhaps I really do not need much. That old desire of wanting more because everyone else around me is faring so much better economically and because I sometimes get mocked for being an underpaid contract worker despite studying so much, has I hope faded somewhat. I also learnt the importance of having close, wise Christian friends who can guide me towards decisions that are God-pleasing rather than world- pleasing. Sometimes I think decisions would have been much easier if I were just an average worldly person. Always choose money. Always choose self interest. Most people I asked had pointed out that the choice is clear - money talks, stability counts. Loyalty, values, self-sacrifice do not put food on the table. At the end of the day, the person that loses out is you. I guess all these struck fear in my heart. I cried many a times after listening to the song that boss sent - I won’t let you go. That deep sorrow stems from the knowledge that I do not trust God, do not have that reassurance that I can live a life without anxiety and that he can take care of all things. I suppose it’s true that I’m going through a mid life crisis as I’m starting to think that I might not have realised my full potential, and not putting what little gifts I have to good use. I realised everything is about mindset and the ability to relook at things from a different angle.  The very same decision a couple of days was still fraught with bitterness and unhappiness as I felt that I’m short changing myself but now that I know it’s for a long term goal and greater good, I feel more at peace.

On a side note, over lunch with a friend, he said the same thing that I sometimes get taken advantage of because I do not know how to protect my self interest. But I do not want to go there anymore. It brings me nothing but misery.