Venice

Watching the food show feed Phil - Venice episode, he or one of the guests mentioned the exact same thing I felt about Venice. It didn’t seem real. I told Philippe and Janie that it felt like Disneyland when they asked me how it was. Philippe was surprised. It didn’t feel that way for them. Maybe it was the crowd, the peak of summer. Maybe the place felt too picturesque. But came night time a part of that Disneyland feel did fade away. The tourists were mostly gone. The streets were quiet after a music event and teng and i got lost in the maze of similar looking streets. About Phil, he’s really charming not in a handsome sort of way, but the self-deprecating humor, the open-ness in his face and mannerisms, the child-like amazement at good food. Completely unpretentious and warm. I wish I could be like that. These days I’ve not much tolerance for inauthenticity. 

Moving on

 Sometimes our decisions are mainly driven by fear. The fear of aloneness, the fear of society’s judgment, the fear of moving on, the fear of the unknown. Most of these stem from a lack of trust in God, not truly believing that He has prepared the best things for us if we follow His way. Most times we would rather try to fix things and make things happen our way. Pastor said often we look to others to complete us, make us whole, believing foolishly that there is someone out there who can make us happy. At the end of the day, only God can make us whole, give us that peace and feeling of completeness. I’m not sure what path I should take. The future looks bleak and I’m not sure of my capability to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I’m staying on for the sentimental value, for obligations but I’m not sure if this is actually a more selfish way of living. Acknowledging that perhaps we have outgrown each other, fell out of love, moving in different directions, might be a more responsible thing to do. The hard part I suppose is answering to people when honestly, who we need to truly answer to is ourselves. 

the dark

I am beginning to believe that most people do not wish to be burdened by darkness. Only the lighter side of us is wanted. It is the only side that can be revealed to the world. Depression, moodiness, all of these have to be tucked neatly away lest people start avoiding you. It's sad really when you are only expected to be in a good place all the time. When in a dark phase what I hear is, get over it soon, i do not like this side of you, please recover faster. Everyone's impatient to chase the dark clouds away because it burdens them. No one has the time to understand, no one is willing to take the time to understand. Judging is quick and effortless.  God as always is right. Rely not on men but on Him always. 

 The rain, it came.

Its warmth trickled down

My arms.

The sun felt cold

Just like a heart 

Broken, full of doubts.

Truth lay in these tears

The lies from the years

Fell from your mouth.

A bitter laugh,

I bit my tongue,

The sorrows overwhelmed,

And I fell,

Into a bottomless pit 

Of emptiness.

Swam in darkness,

The silent screams,

no one heard.

The light I could never see.

What you took,

You took completely.

Drained of all life 

It is the end. 

 I wonder sometimes if it pays to tell someone the fire’s dangerous and you will get burnt if you touch it. People will believe what they want to believe. Why should we care so much? 

The toxicity is building up, while the remnants of the past had yet to dissipate. Who’s just paying lip service ? Who truly cares ? Who only cares for their own wants at the expense of everyone else? 

Time tells but sometimes I am doubtful too of this adage. 

 Mind’s too occupied with inessential things. Finding myself less and less interested in the things I liked to do. Just wanna take a break away from everyone,  get away from the incessant chatter, the complexities of human interactions, the endless mind games. 

 Much is often said between the lines. Truth is too much to handle. Saying and hearing, it makes no difference. 

Sometimes I think perhaps it's not so bad being a hermit. Away from all human beings. Everything's too complex. No one speaks the truth. No one cares for the truth. Coat everything with nice lies and people will love you for it. We judge before understanding and that is perhaps, something I am sometimes guilty of doing too. How do we differentiate between good and evil, hypocrisy and authenticity? This is a year when so many relationships are put to the test...how many of us will come out unscathed and perhaps, gain more clarity about people's hearts? 

This recent BS brought a little bit of comfort:

God will give us peace where we are most vulnerable. Our situations may not change but we will have the peace to get through them. God gives us the finest wheat; we will be satisfied no matter the situation. 

Some situations are beyond our control and I can understand how frustrating it is when we can do nothing about them...and that is when we need that peace from God...to know that we will get through the darkness and be okay. There is no need to keep trying to change things/ alter our paths with brute force. 

This is something i really want to believe in. That everything will be okay some day. For now, i think the only thing I can do is to seek peace and wisdom. 

Season of change

Season of change. Nothing’s normal. What’s normal? Who dictates what it is? Sometimes I just wanna fall forever, reach the bottom of the tunnel, and see what it is like. Will it bring me comfort more than trying endlessly to strive towards the light ? Life, life, life. I wish I can walk away from it. 

2020

Been almost a year since I blogged. Where did the time go? It's often easier to write than verbalise one's true thoughts. But strangely, now, even in writing, I cant gather my thoughts. This year's been a strange one and I believe I've said the exact same thing last year. Guess things are just not going back to normal. This year's pandemic, I suppose, was an opportunity for us to slow down and take stock. But are we really doing that? Or are we just indulging ourselves in other forms of frivolities? For me, it had been exercising, cooking, TV watching, reading. I suppose perhaps, I am feeling a little lost and using "things" to distract myself further rather than deal with the monster in the closet. Trying to retrace my steps and reminding myself again of what's important or what I had once dreamt of doing. Courage eludes me. Where does one acquire such a thing? This is a senseless post, which is going nowhere, and serves no purpose, except perhaps a little catharsis.  

On an unrelated note, at the beach one day with the breeze and a drink, I'd a vision of a simple life sailing around the world. Sounds like a simple dream but it obviously isn't one, with all the practicalities and consequences, one have to consider.