Pondering

The year is drawing to a close yet again. Time flew. Hardly find the time to settle down with my own thoughts. I was reminded of something I didn't do recently. Was buying gelato some weeks back and saw an elderly man staring at the gelato on display for a long time. I wanted to ask if I could buy him one but I didn't dare to. What did I fear ? I don't even know, it's just ridiculous how wussy I can get. He walked away subsequently and I was filled with regrets. It also reminded me of how we are free to acquire all the things we want and yet, there are others in our society who have to think twice about splurging on a $5 ice cream.

What have I done this year apart from indulging in my many hobbies? Nothing. Have I grown as a person? I don't think so. Are there only merits in deeds? Yes and no. I've been reminded recently by someone that I tend to focus on the external things, the doing, but neglected my own spiritual growth.  Admittably, I have realized the same thing of myself. I am always doing but never really stop to consider the motives, the goals, and the things I should really be doing to draw closer to God. In fact this year I have slacked so much and I find myself lacking discipline in attending service, making efforts to study the word, putting the word in actions and thoughts. Sometimes I think I feel my own heart rotting and I grow ever more disappointed with myself. How do I liberate myself from the traps I have set? I need strength and courage to be rid of my slothful and fearful  self.

Dreams

Two dreams of you. I can't be sure if it's good or bad to dream like this. Over the rainbow was playing in the first and we were on a bicycle. I was happy just being there behind you. I knew then that our time was short and we rode away to a village. I remember it was in ubin but the village looked different. The day was warm, the sun was high, and there was a beautiful breeze. We fell asleep in the back of a wagon and then the phone rang and I knew I had to go. It was the alarm and I woke, feeling a sense of regret. It was a happy dream but it was broken.

A dream again the next day. One I don't remember much of. Again, I knew in the dream that our time was short-lived but there was once 

more a sense of joy in your presence. You told me of a place where the stars were aplenty and where the lake reflected them beautifully. I wanted to go to a place like that. When I woke I was angry. Why is it you again? 

Winter

Had to add a tree to cover up a snowflake accident. Guess I'd better learn how to correct a mistake properly.. 

YouTube is such a fascinating platform, you can learn perpetually anything on it. 

I think to date I've gained a few skills such as knitting, painting, and playing the uke purely from YouTube. The only things I wasn't able to master were the guitar and harmonica. Somehow it just seems impossible to learn these two instruments on my own. 

Have done my third painting so far and I'm so pleased with this newfound skill Coz I'd always thought that I just didn't have this "artistic gene", after getting Cs for art classes. But I do love to paint, being so focused on the colors and strokes and nothing else. It's almost like being in a realm of your own. Trying hard to fight the urge to paint all the time 

I have nothing left to offer

All my days have been sold

Left for dead - beck weathers

Got this book in the airport of Pokhara for usd4! Can't really beat the price of books in Nepal. 

I can't seem to decide if I like this book. It feels like a trashy tabloid at times and yet, it was relatively interesting enough to keep me reading (tho' some parts just felt like a couple whining about each other). The survival of Beck Weathers was an unexplainable miracle and I was quite captivated by that story. Both Yatsuko (a Japanese woman who was on her 7th summit) and Weathers were stranded overnight on Everest and exposed to a freak storm. Yatsuko didn't survive and it looked as if weathers wasn't going to as well, which explained the title of the book. However, Weathers suddenly awoke from his "coma" after "seeing" his family and despite suffering severe frostbite to his face and hands and being blind, he managed to make his way back to the camp. I enjoyed the part when Madan the pilot, wanting to test whether he possessed the heart of a warrior, agreed to go on the risky Med evac of weathers. It amazes me how someone would risk their own life for a total stranger. 

The exciting bits of the book were obviously the summiting of Everest and the rescue. The darker bits were when he talked about the "black dog" in his life, which drove him to his mountaineering madness. I guess subconsciously, Weathers did wish for death, thereby risking his life for that adrenaline rush and giving up his family in the midst. He himself mentioned that at one point in his life, he was seriously considering ending it all. A psychiatrist later confirmed the same and advised his wife to surrender all the guns in their home. I guess a lot of times when we are trying to escape that hollowness we feel in our lives, we busy ourselves with a million other distractions to deny that we have a problem. This is especially true I think, when we ourselves are convinced that with such a blessed life, we are not entitled to be depressed or to have that feeling of emptiness. We all have to face our demons some day although sometimes we may be too late. In the case of Weathers, it took a near-death experience for him to recognize his problems and to learn what were the truly important things in life-love. In a way he was lucky. Some people lose their lives before they could ever learn such truths. I guess the book deserves a 3/5 rating.  

Who am I?

Who am I ?

What defines us ? 

At a first meeting, we ask of each other what do we do. It's funny why we even bother asking that question. If I were to say that I am a nurse/a teacher/an astronaut, does that tell you who I am as a person ? 

Is my work an extension of who I am? If I were to lose my job, do I naturally becoming nothingness? 

Who am I? 

The one who loves storms?

The one who loves the sound of rain ?

The ones who loves old records and all the glory of their scratchy sounds? 

The one who loves the blueness and vastness of the ocean?

The one who dreams of a log cabin in the woods?

The one who loves to walk in the cold?

The one who loves the mountains?

The one who loves a library of books, a fireplace, a cosy leather armchair, a cup of coffee and something furry at her feet? 

The one who loves dreams more than reality?

The one who fears the word "no"?

The one who hates the dark but loves the stars?

The one who feels guilty for not living a god-pleasing life?

The one who lacks courage and strength to obtain the things she wants?

The one who worries too much? 

The one who loves sad love songs?

The one who loves pink candy floss?

The one who cries at movies and books?

The one who lies because she thinks others can't accept the truth?

The one who used to dream of being an astronaut?

The one who can't believe in dreams anymore?

The one who is always thinking of a new place to explore? 

The one who feels she's running out of time?

The one who always gives things and people up because the fear of losing always wins ?

The one, the one, the one.