The year is drawing to a close yet again. Time flew. Hardly find the time to settle down with my own thoughts. I was reminded of something I didn't do recently. Was buying gelato some weeks back and saw an elderly man staring at the gelato on display for a long time. I wanted to ask if I could buy him one but I didn't dare to. What did I fear ? I don't even know, it's just ridiculous how wussy I can get. He walked away subsequently and I was filled with regrets. It also reminded me of how we are free to acquire all the things we want and yet, there are others in our society who have to think twice about splurging on a $5 ice cream.
What have I done this year apart from indulging in my many hobbies? Nothing. Have I grown as a person? I don't think so. Are there only merits in deeds? Yes and no. I've been reminded recently by someone that I tend to focus on the external things, the doing, but neglected my own spiritual growth. Admittably, I have realized the same thing of myself. I am always doing but never really stop to consider the motives, the goals, and the things I should really be doing to draw closer to God. In fact this year I have slacked so much and I find myself lacking discipline in attending service, making efforts to study the word, putting the word in actions and thoughts. Sometimes I think I feel my own heart rotting and I grow ever more disappointed with myself. How do I liberate myself from the traps I have set? I need strength and courage to be rid of my slothful and fearful self.
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