Just feels like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. Not that I lack the courage to leave but I just feel this extreme sadness. I can’t figure out why. Is it simply because I feel apologetic and guilt ridden for disappointing my boss? Is it coz I’m touched by him trying so hard to retain a mediocre staff? I don’t know. Feeling confused and lost all over again. Should I be short changing myself in the name of loyalty? Should I even worry that I will be short changed ? Should I heck care about what the future will bring? But I know deep down if I stay just coz I do not wish to disappoint him, I will end up being bitter should all the promises he made come to naught, or when I feel short changed. And that’s not a place I want to be. 

Days are a little drab and I’ve been stuck in this dull, lifeless mood. The tiniest of things set the tears flowing, like how dad’s HTN and him not informing us of his being hospitalised for kidney stones. Then the thought of leaving, the messages from boss, all just set me off. I’m at the extreme ends of  being weepy and short-fused. Everything just seems bleak and joyless and there’s really nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep me going. Perhaps that’s the main reason why I’m diving head on into a job and environment I am likely unsuited for, where freedom is limited, and where I’m taking a slight loss in income for a heavier workload. Must be bordering on the edge of insanity but I’m honestly getting frustrated at doing the same things,

and feeling a little disappointed at people in the office and how things are not the same as before. Lastly I’m so worried about the future, about not getting grants, not being able to progress, of having to do the same things again even after phd and worse still, having to compete with others for grants at a ripe old age of I dunno 50? I wish there’s an easy answer to everything. I wish sometimes God gives us a clue as to what the future holds. Should we not care about the future but just focus on the now, what gives us joy and meaning at this very moment? I don’t know. 

And then it was dark

 It was a sunny day,

The water was cool and blue,

She dived into its embrace,

The cold startled her heart,

For once in a very long time,

She felt alive. 

She sunk deeper 

Into the abyss of blue

The weariness taking flight 

She was free. 

Good night, she mouthed the words,

The bubbles fluttered away,

And then,

It was dark. 

 When will the tears stop? I hate this feeling, this reaction, these emotions. It’s not life and death. Nothing lasts forever. It’s just a stage in life, a bridge to cross. How does one stand still forever ? 

I need to control these thoughts and feelings a little more. 

Just weirdly tearing up over the weekend and not knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s just frustration of not being able to move forward, not being able to make the decision that I think is right for me. Maybe there’s too much chatter around me, making it harder for me to think with clarity and a sound mind. I feel weary. Isn’t this what I had prayed for and wanted? Why the second thoughts ? Have I been too driven by fear? I don’t think many will understand and empathize the insecurities of contract workers. We don’t get extra benefits, higher pay, etc. yet year after year, we wonder if we will have still have a job when the grant well runs dry. And I think, it has made me stay stagnant for so long, not daring to make a move coz I don’t know with certainty what the future holds. Although technically, even with a perm job, one can lose one’s job too but still. What do I really want? Either way seems like a lose-lose situation for me. 

Why do I feel sad and heartbroken by this? Maybe it’s insanity, fatigue, boredom creeping in. Didn’t respond to anyone today, even my boss’ several messages went unanswered. Just not in the mood to talk to anyone or tell anyone what I’m feeling and going through. I don’t think anyone will understand and probably think I’m crazy or hormonal. 

Maybe I am. Who knows ? I wish I have all the answers. 

Empty souls roam the streets

lit by neon lights of red and blue

Shadows of illusion casted by the moon

I find no hearts to be true. 

Searching for a safe haven

The restless souls know no peace

it is fool's gold at the rainbow's end

Their search will never cease.

What do they dream?

The haunted souls know no sleep

Eyes wide open and buried in,

An abyss of lies too deep.

 A little disappointed that the job offer did not come through. Although in the first place, i did admittedly feel a bit reluctant to apply for the post, as having to leave my comfort zone is just well, uncomfortable. But i was reminded again that at one point in time, I was determined to leave coz of all the disappointing relationships and issues in the office. Find it a little hard to believe at times, how someone who's barely a year into the job, can have the power to make two people want to resign. Adding to all these issues, is the feeling of being overlooked and hitting the progression ceiling, whilst everyone else is moving forward. Is attaining a PhD really the only way to go for me, is it well worth my time, money, and effort? Am i pursuing it for the sake of just a piece of paper, a sorry excuse to progress, or the freedom to do what I want, without being at anyone's beck and call? the latter is perhaps, just an ideal, which may not happen, given the short career span that I will have. Decision, decision..do I bite the bullet and take the paycut, look elsewhere or continue being miserable where I am?

A reminder to myself as well, that some people, are no longer worth my time and effort. it's perhaps not the friendship they cherish, but rather what they can take from you. Easily casted aside and replaceable during peacetime.