Love and other things

Been a long time since I stayed out past 3am. The breeze, the view kept us awake. Meow really enjoyed the place and We talked till my voice turned hoarse. 

There are some things I realize about love and people. Some people avoid love/attachment because they fear loss. This is something that I’m guilty of sometimes. Some people they use love as a means to get to where they need to be. For instance, someone who desperately wants to be married, goes out seeking and chooses someone deemed to be suitable as a life partner  or checks all the boxes versus someone who falls in love with someone and decides to marry that someone they fell in love with. 

The latter is something that I subscribe to. You WANT to get married because you WANT to marry that person as opposed to you WANT to get married and someone comes along and you evaluate if this person is suited to get married to. 

I do wonder if one is better than the other. To the world, it may look like the same thing but I think fundamentally, it’s vastly different. One is a selfish kind of love - you are using someone to fulfil your own desire. The other to me, is pure love. But then again, people can grow to love someone. People can make a decision to love or make things work because they need it to, because they need to fulfil their own desire. Sometimes it could be that both parties have the same desires and they choose to give each other the chance to fall in love.

I do wonder though if pure love exists in a world that has grown exceedingly self-centred. 

On another note, meow said men and women may perhaps be the same, in that our egos get stroked in the same way, when someone expresses their interest in us. I reckon it contains a bit of truth coz well, human beings in general are vain and narcissistic. Most have no qualms about leading others on for their own egoistic needs and for some, perhaps as a back up plan in case they do get lonely (know too many of such assholes). I initially had rejected this notion, thinking that men would behave in this manner but not women. But after some exchange, I guess both sexes might be guilty of such offences. Disgusted that I am, I guess it’s all part of human nature. 

Can’t seem to chase the dark clouds away. I’ve already given up hope of ever finding a listening ear, a non-judgmental one, a wise one, someone with the right words. Short of all these, I don’t really see the point in talking. 

Everyone’s busy talking about the weather, their own lives, every conversation screams me me me...

I think maybe I’m getting more and more tired of human interaction. Perhaps it’s not such a bad thing to walk away sometimes. People are so caught up in their own world, that they wouldn’t notice your disappearance.

 It's interesting how the people you once thought the world of, turned out to be someone completely different over time. I'm not sure if I have become impatient, less tolerant, more judgmental or is it just that their behaviour has become inexcusable? 

Perhaps being an ass is a form of self-defense...

Venice

Watching the food show feed Phil - Venice episode, he or one of the guests mentioned the exact same thing I felt about Venice. It didn’t seem real. I told Philippe and Janie that it felt like Disneyland when they asked me how it was. Philippe was surprised. It didn’t feel that way for them. Maybe it was the crowd, the peak of summer. Maybe the place felt too picturesque. But came night time a part of that Disneyland feel did fade away. The tourists were mostly gone. The streets were quiet after a music event and teng and i got lost in the maze of similar looking streets. About Phil, he’s really charming not in a handsome sort of way, but the self-deprecating humor, the open-ness in his face and mannerisms, the child-like amazement at good food. Completely unpretentious and warm. I wish I could be like that. These days I’ve not much tolerance for inauthenticity. 

Moving on

 Sometimes our decisions are mainly driven by fear. The fear of aloneness, the fear of society’s judgment, the fear of moving on, the fear of the unknown. Most of these stem from a lack of trust in God, not truly believing that He has prepared the best things for us if we follow His way. Most times we would rather try to fix things and make things happen our way. Pastor said often we look to others to complete us, make us whole, believing foolishly that there is someone out there who can make us happy. At the end of the day, only God can make us whole, give us that peace and feeling of completeness. I’m not sure what path I should take. The future looks bleak and I’m not sure of my capability to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I’m staying on for the sentimental value, for obligations but I’m not sure if this is actually a more selfish way of living. Acknowledging that perhaps we have outgrown each other, fell out of love, moving in different directions, might be a more responsible thing to do. The hard part I suppose is answering to people when honestly, who we need to truly answer to is ourselves. 

the dark

I am beginning to believe that most people do not wish to be burdened by darkness. Only the lighter side of us is wanted. It is the only side that can be revealed to the world. Depression, moodiness, all of these have to be tucked neatly away lest people start avoiding you. It's sad really when you are only expected to be in a good place all the time. When in a dark phase what I hear is, get over it soon, i do not like this side of you, please recover faster. Everyone's impatient to chase the dark clouds away because it burdens them. No one has the time to understand, no one is willing to take the time to understand. Judging is quick and effortless.  God as always is right. Rely not on men but on Him always. 

 The rain, it came.

Its warmth trickled down

My arms.

The sun felt cold

Just like a heart 

Broken, full of doubts.

Truth lay in these tears

The lies from the years

Fell from your mouth.

A bitter laugh,

I bit my tongue,

The sorrows overwhelmed,

And I fell,

Into a bottomless pit 

Of emptiness.

Swam in darkness,

The silent screams,

no one heard.

The light I could never see.

What you took,

You took completely.

Drained of all life 

It is the end.