I wonder if I made the right decision overloading an extra module when I’ve absolutely no background in economics. Is it worth risking a better CAP? Do grades really matter that much? Or do knowing a little bit more matters more? At the end of the day, who am I doing everything for? Is there some place I’m meant to be, or do all these things not matter cept for the no 1 priority of God. What is it like for someone without a God ? How do decisions, situations etc take on a different meaning for the atheist? Wouldn’t it all seem a little meaningless if you have no other hopes cept for this one life which ends in 80-90 years’ time?
I don’t know.
Haven’t watched a proper movie for some time. These days I just can’t be bothered with wasting my time at the theatres watching something I’ve not really yearned to watch. Back in the teens years, I just soaked in the theatres watching every single movie there was.
Maybe I should watch a horror movie sometime.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Religion as a business
Been having writer's block for weeks..unable to write properly and piece things together for assignment. Wanted to complete the assignment over the weekend..alas, i've failed. been distracted and procrastinating coz i just kept getting stuck. God, i hate this feeling. Maybe I havent start feeling the time crunch yet. Although the semester is the same length as the last, it somehow feels shorter and i'm getting a little antsy thinking about the list of assignments ahead and my thesis. I just pray everything will go smoothly and things will work out.
I so wish that I have the chance to take more modules but a pity that work is a major hindrance. Would have been a better experience if I were a full-time student and not be distracted by a thousand other things.
Re-reading Dante's Inferno. It started out well but then I started to drift and get bored after a while. Somehow it feels as if something is missing from the poem. I guess when it comes to poems, translation just doesnt cut it. Sometimes a word is used not just for its meaning but for the way it sounds, rhymes, or the tone it lends to a piece. When it gets translated, part of the beauty of the poem gets lost.
Wanted to visit the school's library, gym pool, exercise classes during the sem break but didnt get to do it. Such a perfect waste of school fees...
I dont know what to rant about anymore. Had a discussion regarding the church's direction, strategy, etc today. Honestly, running a cell, church, etc can be very corporate-like and although intuitively it feels wrong to associate religion with business, i personally think it's legit in the sense that a lot of the business/marketing/management strategies can be applied to running a religious organisation. We similarly need a vision, mission, specific strategic objectives, action plans, outcomes monitoring and evaluation, survey, stakeholders engagement, corporate communication, marketing for outreach, financing system for sustainability, grantmanship, and even research to better understand your congregation. I wonder how Jesus did it? Did he possess all these skills? How did he manage his "congregation"? How did his work sustain itself through the years? It's an amazing corporation he has built.
I so wish that I have the chance to take more modules but a pity that work is a major hindrance. Would have been a better experience if I were a full-time student and not be distracted by a thousand other things.
Re-reading Dante's Inferno. It started out well but then I started to drift and get bored after a while. Somehow it feels as if something is missing from the poem. I guess when it comes to poems, translation just doesnt cut it. Sometimes a word is used not just for its meaning but for the way it sounds, rhymes, or the tone it lends to a piece. When it gets translated, part of the beauty of the poem gets lost.
Wanted to visit the school's library, gym pool, exercise classes during the sem break but didnt get to do it. Such a perfect waste of school fees...
I dont know what to rant about anymore. Had a discussion regarding the church's direction, strategy, etc today. Honestly, running a cell, church, etc can be very corporate-like and although intuitively it feels wrong to associate religion with business, i personally think it's legit in the sense that a lot of the business/marketing/management strategies can be applied to running a religious organisation. We similarly need a vision, mission, specific strategic objectives, action plans, outcomes monitoring and evaluation, survey, stakeholders engagement, corporate communication, marketing for outreach, financing system for sustainability, grantmanship, and even research to better understand your congregation. I wonder how Jesus did it? Did he possess all these skills? How did he manage his "congregation"? How did his work sustain itself through the years? It's an amazing corporation he has built.
Monday, January 1, 2018
2018
First day of the year and I woke with rashes. Not a great start I guess. Been procrastinating with school stuff, trying to decide what modules to take. A part of me wants to learn something totally different from my field, yet the logical side of me wants to take something relevant to "value-add". However, one of my classmates was right when she said since the organisation is not sponsoring my education, I should do it for myself. Yet I sit on the fence.
I dread going back to school even though I had enjoyed it during the last term. All the things I had wanted to do during the break, are left undone.
Looking back at 2017, there had not been much changes, with the exception of school and the waning fire in God.
I guess the less you do something, the less willing and the less drive you have for it. The key then perhaps is to never take a break from important work.
What have I achieved in 2017? scraping past Grade 7 piano and making it to next sem in school? I had dropped perpetually all church-related work in exchange, even with Sunday School, I've been inconsistent in attendance. Dropped out of LCEC as well coz I just dont find it that meaningful yet. Didnt go on any mission trips even though I did have spare time in December.
On the travel front, didnt go anywhere too far this year- Bangkok, Phuket, Bali, chengdu. I didnt expect to like Chengdu but I did enjoy the trip quite a bit, doing nothing much except for eating and visiting museums and the panda research base. I guess the weather has to do with everything.
What do I want to achieve next year?
Complete MPH, better fitness, internship, master the spencerian script, paint better, play the piano better- the tangible things.
The intangible ones, to grow spiritually and not always feeling that it's others' job to help me grow. And the issue of people... perhaps it's better to drift away, since there aren't going to be any results anyway.;there's just no way things can work out the way everyone wants.
https://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices
Read the transcript of this video..It struck a chord with me. There are always hard choices to make; I am not surprised if we spend our entire lives deliberating over choices, regretting them, undoing them, making new choices...Some decisions steer us onto a completely different path, some decisions follow us for the rest of our lives...Wouldnt it be nice if we just "know"? I think sometimes we do possess that innate ability of "knowing" but it is oftentimes drowned out by reasons, by the voices of others, by what society values,by what we think is politically correct. Like what Ruth Chang spoke of on her career choice- lawyer vs philosopher. The heart knew what she wanted but reason overthrew that but for how long could you deny the heart of what it truly wants? In her case, she was brave enough to finally give in to her heart and overhauled her life.
Could we really abandon reason, plausible consequences to follow our hearts? Is it always best to follow the heart?
I dread going back to school even though I had enjoyed it during the last term. All the things I had wanted to do during the break, are left undone.
Looking back at 2017, there had not been much changes, with the exception of school and the waning fire in God.
I guess the less you do something, the less willing and the less drive you have for it. The key then perhaps is to never take a break from important work.
What have I achieved in 2017? scraping past Grade 7 piano and making it to next sem in school? I had dropped perpetually all church-related work in exchange, even with Sunday School, I've been inconsistent in attendance. Dropped out of LCEC as well coz I just dont find it that meaningful yet. Didnt go on any mission trips even though I did have spare time in December.
On the travel front, didnt go anywhere too far this year- Bangkok, Phuket, Bali, chengdu. I didnt expect to like Chengdu but I did enjoy the trip quite a bit, doing nothing much except for eating and visiting museums and the panda research base. I guess the weather has to do with everything.
What do I want to achieve next year?
Complete MPH, better fitness, internship, master the spencerian script, paint better, play the piano better- the tangible things.
The intangible ones, to grow spiritually and not always feeling that it's others' job to help me grow. And the issue of people... perhaps it's better to drift away, since there aren't going to be any results anyway.;there's just no way things can work out the way everyone wants.
https://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices
Read the transcript of this video..It struck a chord with me. There are always hard choices to make; I am not surprised if we spend our entire lives deliberating over choices, regretting them, undoing them, making new choices...Some decisions steer us onto a completely different path, some decisions follow us for the rest of our lives...Wouldnt it be nice if we just "know"? I think sometimes we do possess that innate ability of "knowing" but it is oftentimes drowned out by reasons, by the voices of others, by what society values,by what we think is politically correct. Like what Ruth Chang spoke of on her career choice- lawyer vs philosopher. The heart knew what she wanted but reason overthrew that but for how long could you deny the heart of what it truly wants? In her case, she was brave enough to finally give in to her heart and overhauled her life.
Could we really abandon reason, plausible consequences to follow our hearts? Is it always best to follow the heart?
Sunday, December 31, 2017
The high mountains of Portugal - Yann Martel
The book contains 3 short stories which are inter-connected; I find this format of writing rather interesting and reminds me of the butterfly effect. Obviously set in Portugal, the first story featured Tomas, a strange man who walked backwards because of his grief over the deaths of his lover and son. At the museum he worked, Tomas chanced upon a journal by a priest- Father Ulisees and was intrigued by a crucifix the priest created in a remote part of Portugal. Tomas was a man angry with God for taking away his son and wanted to find a way to seek revenge-the strange crucifix was the answer. Tomas was bent on locating the crucifix and bringing it back to Lisboa to mock God. Borrowing his rich uncle’s automobile (a strange contraption in that era),Tomas embarked on an arduous journey which became a little absurd and funny, with him getting lice, chased and attacked by horsemen and a village idiot’s mother, the car half gone after an explosion. On the last leg of his journey, Tomas ran over a small boy with fair hair and blue eyes, unusual for this part of the world. He left the boy on the side of the road and drove off.
After not finding the crucifix at several plausible churches, he chanced upon a small church which he had intended to skip and finally found what he was looking for- Jesus depicted as an ape on the crucifix. He was elated at first but then it quickly turned to grief: so what if he had found the crucifix? He was still a man who had lost everything he loved. He ran back to his automobile and cried, “father, I need you!” The priest of the church ran to Tomas and that was the end of the story.
The second story’s central character was a pathologist named Eusebio. In his office one late night, he received a visit from his wife, Maria, who began excitedly telling him of the link between Agatha christie’s Novels and the Bible. I got a little irked when the author got his facts wrong. Maria said none of the 4 canonical gospels ever witnessed Christ and had only written the accounts based on other eye witnesses. However, both John and Matthew were 2 of the 12 chosen apostles! Not sure how he could have gotten this information wrong. Of the three stories, this was the strangest. After Maria left, Eusebio received a visit from an old peasant woman also named Maria. In her suitcase she carried the dead body of her husband- rafael Castro and requested for an autopsy stat. What came out of her husband’s body were strange times like flute, dice, and whatnots, followed by a chimpanzee and a bear cub. The woman later asked to be sewn into her husband’s body together with the chimp and bear. Prior to the autopsy the woman had recounted how their son, given to them in old age, had been killed one day while with her husband for a job. The boy was of fair hair and blue eyes and loved by all. The death of the boy changed everything for the couple, with her husband so ridden by grief and guilt that he started walking backwards (he had seen tomas doing so). The boy was killed by tomas’ automobile.
The third story although a little strange, was interesting. A Canadian senator, peter was visiting the United States, went to an ape research Centre and found an intense connection with an ape. He adopted the ape and dropped everything in Canada, and moved to the high mountains of Portugal where his parents were originally from. Peter had just lost his wife Clara and this move seemed to be a rash decision to escape grief. However, peter and Odo the ape formed a bond resembling love and were inseparable. As fate would have it, peter later found out that the house he was renting was his ancestral home. In the attic, Odo found a suitcase of strange items- a flute, dice, etc and a note describing the autopsy of Rafael Castro, which he found incredulous- a chimp and a bear in a dead body! Peter and Odo loved taking walks together and on one particular walk, Odo spotted the rare iberican rhinoceros and pointed it out excitedly to Peter. Peter then suffered a cardiac arrest and died due to the strenuous climb. Odo mourned for Peter and returned to the wild. I know I’m not doing the book enough justice. It’s a lovely perhaps obscure read, kinda refreshing.
After not finding the crucifix at several plausible churches, he chanced upon a small church which he had intended to skip and finally found what he was looking for- Jesus depicted as an ape on the crucifix. He was elated at first but then it quickly turned to grief: so what if he had found the crucifix? He was still a man who had lost everything he loved. He ran back to his automobile and cried, “father, I need you!” The priest of the church ran to Tomas and that was the end of the story.
The second story’s central character was a pathologist named Eusebio. In his office one late night, he received a visit from his wife, Maria, who began excitedly telling him of the link between Agatha christie’s Novels and the Bible. I got a little irked when the author got his facts wrong. Maria said none of the 4 canonical gospels ever witnessed Christ and had only written the accounts based on other eye witnesses. However, both John and Matthew were 2 of the 12 chosen apostles! Not sure how he could have gotten this information wrong. Of the three stories, this was the strangest. After Maria left, Eusebio received a visit from an old peasant woman also named Maria. In her suitcase she carried the dead body of her husband- rafael Castro and requested for an autopsy stat. What came out of her husband’s body were strange times like flute, dice, and whatnots, followed by a chimpanzee and a bear cub. The woman later asked to be sewn into her husband’s body together with the chimp and bear. Prior to the autopsy the woman had recounted how their son, given to them in old age, had been killed one day while with her husband for a job. The boy was of fair hair and blue eyes and loved by all. The death of the boy changed everything for the couple, with her husband so ridden by grief and guilt that he started walking backwards (he had seen tomas doing so). The boy was killed by tomas’ automobile.
The third story although a little strange, was interesting. A Canadian senator, peter was visiting the United States, went to an ape research Centre and found an intense connection with an ape. He adopted the ape and dropped everything in Canada, and moved to the high mountains of Portugal where his parents were originally from. Peter had just lost his wife Clara and this move seemed to be a rash decision to escape grief. However, peter and Odo the ape formed a bond resembling love and were inseparable. As fate would have it, peter later found out that the house he was renting was his ancestral home. In the attic, Odo found a suitcase of strange items- a flute, dice, etc and a note describing the autopsy of Rafael Castro, which he found incredulous- a chimp and a bear in a dead body! Peter and Odo loved taking walks together and on one particular walk, Odo spotted the rare iberican rhinoceros and pointed it out excitedly to Peter. Peter then suffered a cardiac arrest and died due to the strenuous climb. Odo mourned for Peter and returned to the wild. I know I’m not doing the book enough justice. It’s a lovely perhaps obscure read, kinda refreshing.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
All the light we cannot see - Anthony Doerr
The title of the book seems almost poetic. The story was set in france during WWII and I absolutely loved the book. It reminded me a tad of the book thief, with one of the central characters resembling to me, Rudy.
Marie-laure was a blind French girl who lived alone with her father in a small apartment in Paris. When france was invaded by Germany, father and daughter escaped to Saint-malo, a small coastal town to seek refuge with Marie-Laure’s eccentric grand-uncle, Etienne. On Marie-laure’s father, was a precious gem called the sea of flames which was entrusted to him by the museum he worked in. The gem was believed to be cursed, offering protection to its holder but misfortunes to those around them. The story moved between Marie-Laure and Werner, an intelligent orphan boy in Germany. Gifted in radio, Werner applied for military school to escape his destiny - a coal miner- something which he would live to regret. Fellow boys in the school were like predators, constantly seeking out the weak and eliminating them. Werner’s best friend ended up with permanent brain damage after a vicious attack in the school. This left Werner even more disillusioned with the military. Soon he was sent into the field to seek enemies through the scanning of radio signals. One operation which he was involved in left a young innocent girl dead.
When Werner neared Saint-malo, he detected strange familiar recordings which he once heard when he was a kid fascinated with science. The recordings were done by etienne and his brother. This eventually led Werner to Marie-Laure. He however kept his finding a secret and saved Marie-Laure when a German soldier who was in pursuit of the sea of flames found Marie-Laure’s residence. Although Werner and Marie-Laure only had a short meeting, he fell in love with her. Things didn’t end beautifully with Werner captured and subsequently died when he stepped on a land mine planted by the Germans. Marie-Laure however lived a long life and went on to become a director at the museum her father worked in Paris.
What did I love about the book? I’m not sure. It’s simple yet moving, juxtaposes the dark and light sides of human nature, love, sufferings, hope, death. It’s chilling how war pushes a normal human being into one who’s capable of killing fellow human beings in cold blood. Can I imagine myself being capable of such acts if the situation calls for it? When someone declares an “enemy”, when there is something precious to defend, do we naturally transform to killing machines? I don’t know.
Marie-laure was a blind French girl who lived alone with her father in a small apartment in Paris. When france was invaded by Germany, father and daughter escaped to Saint-malo, a small coastal town to seek refuge with Marie-Laure’s eccentric grand-uncle, Etienne. On Marie-laure’s father, was a precious gem called the sea of flames which was entrusted to him by the museum he worked in. The gem was believed to be cursed, offering protection to its holder but misfortunes to those around them. The story moved between Marie-Laure and Werner, an intelligent orphan boy in Germany. Gifted in radio, Werner applied for military school to escape his destiny - a coal miner- something which he would live to regret. Fellow boys in the school were like predators, constantly seeking out the weak and eliminating them. Werner’s best friend ended up with permanent brain damage after a vicious attack in the school. This left Werner even more disillusioned with the military. Soon he was sent into the field to seek enemies through the scanning of radio signals. One operation which he was involved in left a young innocent girl dead.
When Werner neared Saint-malo, he detected strange familiar recordings which he once heard when he was a kid fascinated with science. The recordings were done by etienne and his brother. This eventually led Werner to Marie-Laure. He however kept his finding a secret and saved Marie-Laure when a German soldier who was in pursuit of the sea of flames found Marie-Laure’s residence. Although Werner and Marie-Laure only had a short meeting, he fell in love with her. Things didn’t end beautifully with Werner captured and subsequently died when he stepped on a land mine planted by the Germans. Marie-Laure however lived a long life and went on to become a director at the museum her father worked in Paris.
What did I love about the book? I’m not sure. It’s simple yet moving, juxtaposes the dark and light sides of human nature, love, sufferings, hope, death. It’s chilling how war pushes a normal human being into one who’s capable of killing fellow human beings in cold blood. Can I imagine myself being capable of such acts if the situation calls for it? When someone declares an “enemy”, when there is something precious to defend, do we naturally transform to killing machines? I don’t know.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Saturday, December 9, 2017
havent been writing much...guess my words were all spent after the exams... my days are just rolling into one and I know in a blink of the eye, i will be trudging back to school again.
There are a million thoughts on my mind (ok, exaggerating a bit here) but they are all incoherent and I cant make sense of them. There are times when I wanted to do something, say yes to things, but there's always an invisible thread that pulls me back. What am I afraid of finding? What am I afraid of you finding? That none of these are real, that we have just been living in our own little world of illusions? Sometimes it's frightening how people hold the strings to your life- every move they make, every decision they make, the things they do or dont do, they all have the power to bring you up or tear you down.
I guess I still lack the maturity and courage to tell things as it is- no holds bar. always considering what others might think, how they might judge, making wild guesses at their next step if I say/do something....why do we care so much about these things? Would the truth set us free or would it just shatter all our hopes and dreams? I wish I could say the things I wanna say to you although I am not sure if it would change anything or perhaps even ruin everything... What am i expecting really?
It's funny how almost everyone who walks into our lives has the potential to change our lives. It may be a small suggestion they make, which changes the decisions we make, which leads us onto a completely different path. Take for instance, it could be an acquaintance who suggested a course at school to you, which led you into considering it, and eventually taking it, and which then completely alters your life- career, the people you subsequently meet, the lifestyle you lead as a result of your career choice, etc.
on an unrelated note, currently reading All the Light We Cannot See. Beautiful read set during the Second World War. It's appalling how war can change a normal man into a merciless killing machine and for what, really...a mad man's greed....
There are a million thoughts on my mind (ok, exaggerating a bit here) but they are all incoherent and I cant make sense of them. There are times when I wanted to do something, say yes to things, but there's always an invisible thread that pulls me back. What am I afraid of finding? What am I afraid of you finding? That none of these are real, that we have just been living in our own little world of illusions? Sometimes it's frightening how people hold the strings to your life- every move they make, every decision they make, the things they do or dont do, they all have the power to bring you up or tear you down.
I guess I still lack the maturity and courage to tell things as it is- no holds bar. always considering what others might think, how they might judge, making wild guesses at their next step if I say/do something....why do we care so much about these things? Would the truth set us free or would it just shatter all our hopes and dreams? I wish I could say the things I wanna say to you although I am not sure if it would change anything or perhaps even ruin everything... What am i expecting really?
It's funny how almost everyone who walks into our lives has the potential to change our lives. It may be a small suggestion they make, which changes the decisions we make, which leads us onto a completely different path. Take for instance, it could be an acquaintance who suggested a course at school to you, which led you into considering it, and eventually taking it, and which then completely alters your life- career, the people you subsequently meet, the lifestyle you lead as a result of your career choice, etc.
on an unrelated note, currently reading All the Light We Cannot See. Beautiful read set during the Second World War. It's appalling how war can change a normal man into a merciless killing machine and for what, really...a mad man's greed....
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