You wanted a piece of music that haunts you

A gentle weeping guitar 

Strums in the distant land

Shadows fleeting in your eyes 

Humming along with the sorrowful notes 

Your heart beats along with the rhythm 

The highs and the lows,

The strong and the weak

What is it that you seek

But never find? 

Searching, searching for the answers 

And the hidden truth,

When everything, everything,

Has always been as it is and was,

When everything, everything 

Lies bare in front of you

But you don’t see them,

You don’t see them  

Focus!

 Again I thought I was okay but started feeling sad again when I think of cookie. Wonder when the tears will stop. Losing things, people. I wonder if it gets easier with time. I seem to keep losing things/people these days. Perhaps things can only get better now. Some losses may turn out to be gains. Some people are not meant for keeps. Maybe my tolerance is wearing thin. there are people who constantly make you feel you are lesser, it’s painful but I’m cutting you loose. 

Memory’s deteriorating these days. Getting a tad worried that there might be something wrong with me. The forgetfulness is too scary. I have a hard time recalling things I was thinking about just three seconds ago. What’s scarier is the frequency of it. I’m not sure if it’s coz I’m just constantly overwhelmed. Whether it’s coz of the multi-tasking. Multi tasking used to be glorified but now it has been relegated to a dirty word. My attention span is now so short that it’s appalling. I can no longer follow through a thought or focus long enough to process complex information, and reading books now take forever. Gone are the days when I can go for hours just reading. I really need to overhaul my entire life. 

Cookie

 Saw a huge cockroach in the kitchen. Almost felt like it was because cookie is gone that the cockroaches went on a rampage. 

Feeling better today than yesterday. Much less crying.

I had dreaded going out coz I wasn’t sure if I would be a total spoilsport. 

Didn’t feel like talking and socialising  

But I was more communicative than expected. I could talk about cookie without crying.

But back at home it was almost like someone flipped a switch. Teared a bit that cookie is no longer here to take care of pests. That there is no longer anyone there sitting by the door waiting for our return

Cookie

 Cookie left yesterday - 5/9/2023 3 months short of his 19th 

Missing his crazy antics 

It was hard going into the kitchen and not seeing his food bowl and water fountain anymore. 

All I could do today was lie in bed and look at his photos and videos and cry. 

We went out for a meal and drink and I burst out crying in the restaurant. Loud sobs. Embarrassing. 

On the day he died, I saw a housefly flying above him. We almost never get houseflies. It was ominous and I knew. 

Still I ignored my guts and went to work in the morning. The only good thing was I had enough sense to return home in the afternoon. 

Kept him company. He was mewing so softly. I was engrossed in work for a while and ignored his cries. 

Then I petted him again. 

Then I left him again for work which took me away for just two hours. 

Left at 420pm Wikki came back at 530pm and he was already gone. 

I wonder why he couldn’t just wait. 

Seeing him suffer I had initially thought of shifting his vet appointment to Tuesday evening. But then I thought perhaps he could just hang on for a day more. Just a little bit more time. But I guess he hated vet visit enough to leave before that. The things he would do, to run away from the vet. 

My right eye hurt from too much crying.

I don’t know how to face the tasks ahead tomorrow.

Things will get better.

Memories fade and the pain will lessen  

I hate u for leaving, cookie.

And I wonder how it was like for u during your last moments.

Did you suffer? 

You looked relatively glam for a dying senior cat. 

I thought maybe you had a chance.

I was hopeful for a while  

Maybe it’s my fault for insisting on giving u a bath  

Your bulb went out right after the bath. 

I was impatient. 

Could have waited for the waterless shampoo to come  

I wished I had been there when you took your last breaths  

I wish, I really wish. 

I will see you again, Cookie. 

Maybe soon. 

 On some days, everything seems bleak. 

Everyone wants something from you. 

Nobody cares because they care. 

They care because of what you can give.

They care not because of who you are.

People disappoint. 

Someone whom I thought to be good is no longer so.

Everyone just keeps wanting. 

Nobody ever stopped to ask

If you need something.

Nobody ever asked if you need to

Rest for a while.

The other day I woke up feeling mad. In my dream, I had an outburst when teng or Hong asked me to do something. I told them I’m already saddled with work, school, and seemingly having so many people requesting that I run errands for them. I guess it does say something about what I’m feeling almost all the time - overwhelmed. 

Recently, I stupidly believed in someone, only to realise I’ve once again been taken for a ride. I wonder why and how I could be so stupid, when the truth couldn’t have been more obvious. Disappointing. 

The other day a friend was talking about how she wants her remains to be dealt with after she dies. She said she would prefer for her ashes to be scattered in the sea because she doesn’t want to trouble her family and find it pointless anyway to have them pay respect to her ashes. To me though, the decision should be made by those left behind. We are dead anyway, so honestly, it doesn’t matter whether our ashes are in an urn, in the sea, or the rubbish chute. It probably matters more to those who are living. If it brings them comfort and closure having a “space” to go to, to remember their loved ones, then so be it. 

Tuscany

Brings back fond memories of Tuscany: https://youtu.be/tX_AxK2jkM4

Tuscany seems to be perpetually bathed in soft yellow and orange light. Miss that slowness of life, that quietness, against the backdrop of rolling hills, and rows upon rows of vines. 

 And the manipulative psychopath strikes again. I really wonder what’s her purpose in doing so and it totally befuddles me how anyone can put on a show day in and day out. Perhaps it really is necessary to lay everything on the table and confront her on all her lies. 

Dancing barefoot under the moonlight

Soft dew on the grass 

Held on to you tight 

Wishing the night will last. 

The owls hoot a good night 

Rain fell onto our faces

The fears I tried to fight 

Wishing you would stay. 

 What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Age old adage, cliche. I wonder how true it is. Is it an irresponsible thing to say to someone in the dumps? Isn’t it implying that you are weak if you let life kill you? Is it a kind of blame we lay on those who decide to give up and end their lives ? Perhaps we do need to rethink our words. What may seem inspiring and encouraging may not necessarily mean the same thing to others. People can get broken by the things life throws at them. Not everyone can get out of the toxic web they spun for themselves. Such words are probably dished out by people who have never fallen deep enough. 

Hermit

 The inkwell has run dry. I think my prose has weakened ever since I stopped reading consistently. Consistency, I guess, is the only way to keep honing your craft. I’ve lost consistency in so many areas, fitness, studies, writing, reading….constantly feeling overwhelmed and tired. 

This year seems like a year to write people off. Finding it harder and harder to keep relationships. I guess as we age, we grow more miserly with our time. I’ve been thinking if I’ve had too much expectations of people but without expectations, what does that make me?A doormat, a valueless thing that you keep in the darkest corner of a room in case you need it one day? I’m tired of people, having to deal with them, their motives, schemes… why can’t people just be simple - what you see is what you get. Why do we need to complicate things by scheming, attacking, defending? Why can’t we just say whatever’s on our mind? Why can’t our intentions be pure? 

Perhaps the hermit life suits me better.