Dunning-kruger effect applies to character

And then I remembered, I used to write poetries. Everyday feels the same these days and I feel uninspired. There were a million and one things I wanted to explore/ experience but all these seem to have faded away and I’ve lost desires for most things. Pottery, poetries, paintings, piano, ukulele, scrapbooking, photography. Well I guess at least I’m still exercising, drinking, journaling, and reading. Suppose these count for something, I hope? My days are just crazy gray.

Skip a stone, 

Ripples in the water,

The tears of the sun,

Glisten like diamonds.

I remember a day,

When the world was asleep,

and it was just me,

And my silent breaths.

I was alive,

I truly was,

Once.

Mirth

I wonder why I’ve become so mirthless. From being able to laugh at every little thing, to being all gloomy and grumpy. There’s this sense of doom and a perpetual heaviness in my heart, that im finding it hard to breathe. I just want to lie in bed and not move. These dark thoughts, where are they coming from? I feel like I’ve failed everyone, including myself. Not good enough, not fast enough, not capable enough, not hardworking enough. The mountain before me seems unsurmountable. I wonder if I can make it. Perhaps I should give up. Been having these passing suicidal thoughts. 

Running away

People who care less have the upper hand. Sometimes I wonder why I bother treasuring relationships that don’t mean a thing to the other party. People can walk away without any good reasons, not taking heart of the pain they inflict on you. To think that I stuck around when everybody else abandoned ship, stuck around when he was so difficult to be with. I asked myself time and again, how I managed to dig so deep within me for that patience. Feel really used. I suppose relationships are meant to be this way these days - transactional. Easily casted away when you are no longer of any value. People decried loyalty, discredited all that you have done for them in the past, because they can no longer milk you today. 

It’s funny how nothing seems to be working out for me ever since that incident. I had been so convicted that it was a decision God wanted me to make, so convicted that I was doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if I’d been wrong and had mistaken my own folly for God’s voice.

Had I made a mistake in my decision to stay? Why have things gone all awry? From workplace relationships to work to studies to personal relationships, nothing seems to be going my way. I don’t show it but deep down, I think I’m gonna fall apart. On the outside, I’m seemingly chill and unfazed by everything but I guess, that’s just me pretending and burying everything deep within. I wish there’s a way out, that everything can be set right again. I wish I could run away. 

The Pharisees. I see so much of the Pharisees syndrome in people. Those blessed with gifts of intelligence, wealth, privilege, turning into snobs and being overly judgmental of everyone. Never bothering to walk in someone’s shoes, not seeing the good in people, thinking everyone who falls short is just lazy. Some people put the knowledge and skills they acquire to good use, while others just use them as a means to persecute people. Masquerading one’s arrogance, pride, as their superior than thou character/principles. To these people, there’s only one truth, their own. 

Fatigue

The sadness, frustration, and pressure have been bubbling deep inside me. Some days I just feel like giving up, running away, and hiding. Nothing seems to be going my way. Relationships are failing and I sometimes get the feeling that, the foundation of many a friendship is only skin-deep. Perhaps i should have let some people go a long time ago. Them being in my life have brought me regrets and sadness. How do I get over the fear of cutting ties off? How do I be cool about losing people and not keep feeling that ache? How should I forget and move on? 

On the study and work front, I’ve started doubting my own abilities and mental capacity. Finding myself becoming more and more dull-witted, unfocused, and missing details. It’s like I can no longer connect the dots. I fear it might be early dementia. The poor memory, the inability to reason, easily ruffled, not remembering routes and words, inability to focus…the pressure is building coz it seems like I’ve not been progressing, and the No of obstacles just keep piling up. Sometimes I feel so anxious and afraid, that I just feel fatigued and unable to move. 

I am so tired. I wonder if I deserve anything. Wonder if I can keep finding the strength to move, to keep myself alive. 

Unthinking men

 Hannah arendt- the danger of the unthinking man. 

Was eichmann truly evil or was he just a victim of circumstances? Would we have done the same things as he did, taking orders unquestioningly, believing that we are just “doing our job”? 

Isn’t behavior like this very militant? When soldiers kill, should they then be branded as murderers or evil men? The purpose could be deemed as a moral duty to protect our countrymen but the end result is still the same, isn’t it? There’s blood on your hands no matter how we justify it. 

 it feels like i have already run out of steam. Doubts, fears, anxiety start creeping in. Sometimes i wonder why I am doing this. whether is it really worth it? Will everything come to naught? What's really my priority? What's really valuable to me? Would i have been happier finding ways to make more money, retire early, and go RV-ing/sailing for the rest of my life? I am not sure why hollowness scares me, that lack of a sense of purpose/utility. Fewer and fewer things entice me these days, not big cars, not money, not big houses, nor the latest shiniest gadgets. Some days I just wish I can lie on a beach and read a book and not have anyone or a to-do list bothering me. 

I have been vacillating between cutting some people off completely but a small part of me just can't bear to do it. is it better to keep someone in your life even if it stings to do so or to just stop all contact because you no longer believe a single word this person says, nor do you find value in the relationship anymore. I guess it's just my expectations and the resulting disappointments. Perhaps I should just learn to stop trusting and take everything with a pinch of salt. I really shouldnt be wasting time on unnecessary things and people anymore when they dont give me the time of day. 

 

Vanity

 Just a thought that came to me. It’s often easier to appear all nice and encouraging by telling people what they want to hear - they did a great job, they are wonderful, look great, etc. perhaps on the surface, after having our egos stroke, we think that the flatterer is seemingly a good person who always has something positive to say to everyone. On second thoughts however, I wonder how much of our interests does this person have/ care about? Wouldn’t it be in our best interest if someone points to us gently, on how we could be better, on what our failings are? By offering only praises (fake or otherwise), is that person only acting in his/her own interest - to be well-liked? And if we venture a step further, why is it important to this person to be in your good books? Is it so as to gain some benefits, or is it just a way for him /her to pave a route for future favors? I guess people like that understand and thus pander to that human weakness called vanity.

 needed to vent and wanted to just write about how life is like a never ending to-do list. Funnily, the post that came up when i typed the blog's address into the search bar, was a post i wrote in Sep 2021, saying the exact same thing. Feeling extremely tired and anxious about the million and one things i have to do and which seem to never get struck off my to-do list. I seemingly have a ton of to-dos in my work, school, personal development, fitness, home improvement projects, hobbies, etc. lists. And that's not even including the time i need for family, friends. I seem to be running out of time or am I just running too slow to stay in the game? 

Days like these I just wish I have the speed, focus, and capabilities of a superhuman. 

Pride

Sometimes the best gifts can be a curse if we are not careful and learn how to temper our arrogance and pride. 

 Took leave which was meant to be a farewell gathering for janie but ended up spending the entire day moping and crying. Part of me wondered why I had allowed myself to stake my entire life on this place, that if shit happens, I’ll be miserable and stuck with nowhere else to go. Yet part of me knows that there is nowhere else I really want to be. Some incidents woke me up and I realised that sometimes the truth is right before my eyes, and yet the sweet lies are so comforting, that I knowingly buy into them despite myself. There were decisions that I knew in my guts, were wrong but I didn’t trust myself and overanalysed everything and ended up being more wrong than ever. Such is life. I should surrender myself to my guts next time. 

 I just feel like I’ve been making all the wrong decisions since the resignation hooha last year. Although perhaps that’s the one thing I still feel I did right, everything else that happened since then just filled me with regrets. I should really start all over again.