Love was never

Love was never true,
Love was never pure.
What a fool
I was to be lured
By those waltzes under the moonlight,
By those poems you recited,
By those songs you sang.
Now it is just me
On this quiet night,
The music has died,
My heart gently weeping,
Its doors slowly closing,
Let no one come in again,
It whispers to me,
The callousness of love,
The pain it causes
Is a price you can't pay.

Musicophilia- Oliver Sacks

This book took me quite a while to get through. The book opens with the story of tony cicoria, an orthopedic surgeon, who while making a call at a payphone, got struck by lightning. What happened next is simply mind blowing. Not only did he survive the event, he became "musically inclined". Tony cicoria had practically no training in piano but after the incident, began to have this burning desire to listen to piano music. He taught himself to play the piano thereafter (at a grand old age of 42) and managed to play it very well and was also able to compose music! Here's a clip of his playing:
http://youtu.be/tDtYkxSCV18

Another condition i found interesting was brain/ear worms. I thought this condition is quite common. I would think quite a number of people have had this experience of a song sticking to their brains to the point of it getting a little annoying. The anecdotes described in the book were quite extreme, with people losing sleep and having their lives disrupted by this condition.

One of my favorite anecdotes was that of Clive Wearing in the chapter Music and Amnesia. Clive Wearing is a musician with severe amnesia, so severe that his memory span lasts only a few seconds. Not only that, Clive has no memory of his past either. However, he is able to retain his musical ability and continue to play the piano.
What drew me to this story was that of his wife Deborah Wearing. Deborah wrote a book called Forever Today, a memoir of her life with Clive. I thought it was a very beautiful love story.

It is rather strange that even though Clive had lost all his memory, he was still able to recognize Deborah and always looked forward to seeing her.

An excerpt by Deborah:

"To catch sight of me was a massive relief- to know that he was not alone, that i still cared, that I loved him, that I was there..... Everytime he saw me, he would run to me, fall on me, sobbing, clinging. "

The mind may forget, but the heart doesn't.

Their story reminds me of the song "The Dutchman", which talks about a wife caring for her husband who had succumbed to senility. Thought it was rather sweet. But then it brings to mind something I've read that women tend to stay on in a marriage to care for a sick spouse but the same cant be said for men. Men usually abandon their spouses when they become afflicted with illnesses. What gives ?

Sermon

Last Sunday's sermon really spoke to me. The pastor talked about experiencing God. He said when we'd never experienced God, we lead a boring life. Which is just about how I feel sometimes. I am also curious about how it is to experience Him. Pastor said that once we have decided to experience God, we can almost be guaranteed an 'adventurous' life. Adventures in the form of perhaps tribulations, persecutions, etc.

2 Timothy 3:12

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

Okkkkk.... Bring it on?

I will sail away

I will sail away,
Tomorrow will be the perfect day,
For me to sail away.

The world feels a little broken today,
But everything will be okay,
When I sail away.

I will sail away,
But people say,
I may lose my way.

I look at the map in my hands,
It doesn't matter where I land,
It doesn't matter what I plan.

I've shed my last tear,
Packed all my gears,
Said my goodbyes to yesteryears.

Nothing ever matters today,
because I will sail away.
And tomorrow is the perfect day,
For me to sail away.

After signing up and committing to so many things, suddenly felt a little afraid. Afraid coz there would be too many strings left untied, things left incomplete if I really decide to move on. Time wasted and terribly irresponsible.

I thought the unrest might go away after the trip to Taiwan but it stayed on. Maybe if it's time it's time, nothing one can do to keep one from running away.

Society

I don't know why I did the things I do
There are just too many rules
That this society
With no room for pity
Forces upon me.

Anywhere I turn,
I burn.
Anywhere I go,
They say no,
That is the way wrong.
I have walked too long.
To carry on.

Starry starry night

Plagiarism in art... But this picture by Taiwanese cartoonist jimmy Liao is really pretty.

Callous thoughts
Callous words
Callous ways.

D, E, and Fm are the bane of my existence....

The stories of others

Born in 1931, he came to Singapore from China when he was 7 with his younger sister and mother. His father had arrived 3 years earlier to find work and finally saved up enough money to bring them over. Uncle stayed and worked in mainland Singapore and then bought a land in Ubin 20+ years ago, after advice from his peers. He grows his own herbs and cacti, claiming that his herbs (a kinda root 地上枕 I think was what he said, which he claimed to be similar to ginseng) could prevent and cure diseases such as kidney failure and stomach cancer. He uses the roots to make broth every Sunday and sells them for $5 a bowl. He added that a certain dr lee (she used to write a column for ST) had visited his place and told him those roots could contain harmful substances but he rebutted that all medicine are harmful to a certain extent.
He was married with child/children but seemed to be living alone ( I didn't dare to ask about his wife in case she had passed).
He said the population in ubin was 5000+ in the past but now only 38 people are living on the little island.
We commented that he looks extremely young and healthy for a 83 year old man and he said it's the air in ubin that keeps everyone healthy. People sleeps at 8-9pm here. No one ever gets sick and there are no health services on the island.

He reminds me a little of my grandma, who used to tell me stories when I was young.

I don't have a story to tell but I have ears to listen.

Lost and found

Found an old notebook from 1998. I think I must have been in a bout of madness then! There was so much random stuff in one small little notebook- poems, facts, songs, lyrics, quotations, words, thoughts, stories... Must have been very free as well....
Also realized I had actually read Hemingway's biography and knew he committed suicide... In an earlier post, I had claimed of not knowing this fact... Amnesiac

The gypsy woman

The gypsy woman at that old fair,
With her ragged hair,
And failing sight,
Foretold my future.

With her eyes almost blind,
She seemed as if she could see my soul.
Don't look back at what you have left behind,
Stop searching and you may find.
That is the advice,
The old gypsy woman gave.

Everything will be fine,
A little sunshine,
A little rain,
A little laugh,
A little pain,
A formula that God gave,
That which we called life,
She said with a smile.

With her advice,
I said my goodbye.
To that old gypsy woman
With secrets in her eyes,
Although she was blind.

I shook the dust of yesterdays
off my shoes,
And silently pray,
That all she said will be true.

Not very structured... Might have to tweak a little.

Back to basics

Finally got the chance to write in the travel journal, while taking the train back from Hualien to Taipei. Pen and paper is so much nicer than an electronic journal but a tad cumbersome and you run the risk of losing your journal either by misplacing it or having it ruin by age.
But still, it's nice to go back to basics once in a while.

I know you can't join me in my sadness
I know you are afraid of the darkness.

I hear nothing on this night,
But the sounds of the crashing waves.
I see nothing on this night,
But the twinkling lights
Of faraway shores.
I feel nothing on this night,
But the void you have left
In me.
This night,
Where the mist lingers over the ocean,
Where the clouds hide the stars,
Where the ocean silences the world,
I see clarity,
Hear the whispers of tomorrow,
And feel the hope
That dawn will bring.

“i'm a slave to my emotions, to my likes, to my hatred of boredom, to most of my desires”

“The unwelcome November rain had perversely stolen the day's last hour and pawned it with that ancient fence, the night.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

The second quote is really pretty.

The empty ocean

A teardrop slid into my coffee mug,
As I watched the ship sail away
Into the fog.
The ocean is vast and filled
With an emptiness,
That only I can comprehend.

Longing

I am standing alone
Against the western wind.
Every fragment of my soul
Aching.
Longing for distant land,
Places unseen.
Faces unfamiliar.
Cacophony of sounds
I've not heard.
Something inside of me
Wants to be free
Of all these chains
That have left my spirit broken.
Every step I take
Is a weary one.
I am unsure of how much
Further I can walk.
Before my entire world collapses
And the nothingness
Swallows me up.

Deception

I've seen through you,
The darkness of your soul.
The deception you've created,
The universe,
You've trapped me in.
I wish to leave,
But I can't.
Fallen in too deep
Into that quicksand of lies.

I sit alone
Pen in my hand.
Yesterday has gone,
Today is slipping away.
My spirit draws closer
To its final act,
That point of no return.
Tomorrow is a dream,
I do not dare to dream.
A place,
I do not belong.

Truth

And we do not speak the truth
Anymore.
The voices of honesty
Are silenced.
Things close to our hearts,
Are veiled by foolish pride,
By ego,
By fear.
Why do we lie?
When speaking the truth
Is simpler?
Why do we pretend
That nothing matters?
When we care more than we should?
Mind games,
We play,
I wish for simpler times.

While my uke gently weeps

Can't wait to try these songs out... The ukulele is extremely addictive. Never knew why I gave it up!
On another note the uke's looking a little forlorn sitting there like that... Reminds me of the Beatles' song while my guitar gently weeps.

Unrest

The nights are getting longer.
Times of unrest
Where I can't find
Peace in my heart.
The road ahead
Is misty,
And I can't see clearly.
Sometimes I wish
I could stay here forever
Sometimes I wish
I could run away.
Decisions,
I don't wish to make.
Dreams that I fear chasing
Dreams that may leave me emptier
Than before.
Dreams,
Have you come to destroy me?
I can barely breathe.
My world is already crumbling.
The past and present
All shaken and destroyed.

Our hearts
Will break
You and I
We are bound
For another place
A land
When found
Will set us free.

Matthew 6:26-Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Sometimes we do not have faith and we worry too much. Before every decision I make, I over-worry and think of a thousand and one things that could go wrong and the regrets I would feel. But recently came across again the quote from mark twain: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Very well said and so true.
I know all these and yet I can't make my move... Forever the procrastinator, thinking that there will always be a tomorrow. But sometimes tomorrow.... It never comes...

Everything was lost in the fire
The blaze of my mind
Burnt all my past away.
Dust to dust,
Ashes to ashes-
The remnants of my past.

Love

Everybody has a different opinion
About love.
Some say romantic love will eventually evolve Into familial love.
Some say boredom is just part and parcel of a long-running relationship.
Some say when you truly love someone
Your heart simply has no space for anyone else.
Some say love is working hard on it everyday.
Some say love shouldn't be so much hard work
That true love should come easily, no sweat.
For me, love is wanting yourself to be a better person for that someone
But knowing he or she will still accept you despite your failed attempts at being better.
It's about motivating one another to be what they want to be and not what you want them to be.

Those feathers are indeed very nice,
Have you paraded them enough?
Those feathers are colorful and vibrant,
But how do you look like inside?
A hollow abyss?
A dark veil of shadows?
Oh your pomposity
Just makes me giddy.
I need to take a break from you
My too shiny friend.
You hurt my eyes
I might need a pair of sunglasses.
Why do you love to parade so?
Is it cos you are all empty inside?

Alas, I've finished musicophilia. Have been cycling between musicophilia and 100 year old man. 100 year old in the day and musico at night. I will review musico soon, I probably have to re-read it to get all the terms correctly. I am seriously forgetful these days and can't seem to collect and articulate my thoughts properly...

These wings,
They are clipped,
I cannot fly high,
No I cannot fly.
I am lost
In this cage of mine
Trapped
Running round in circles.
Everything seems meaningless,
Everything is without a purpose.
I need to fly,
To run,
To feel the wind on my back.
To feel,
Just to feel again,
Just to feel,
Anything,
Anything will do.
This numbness of my soul,
It is driving me insane.
This silence within me,
Seems to be erupting.
I need to run,
Faster than the wind,
So fast,
That noone catches me,
So fast that the wind will lose me,
So fast through the ebbs and flows of time,
So fast that noone will remember me,
No one will remember my name,
No one.

Forever is a very long time.

Bald eagle

Was cycling at jurong lake on the second day of the Chinese New Year. Saw a bald eagle preying on probably mice in a large enclosed field. Thought it was pretty fascinating coz we rarely get to see eagles in Singapore, albeit outside of a zoo/ bird park. It then occurred to me that we tend to appreciate things more when it is rare. We wouldn't gaze in wide eyed wonder at the common mynahs or crows, would we? That's the law of scarcity, so commonly seen in our society. What was it about the eagle that stopped me in my tracks? Yes it's majestic, the way it soars and hovers and then swop down to pick its prey. But apart from that, I guess it's really the scarcity of eagles in our concrete jungle that just make them a little more exciting.

Surrounded by mr bob. And there's another one underneath the table.. Zzzz on another note, I am almost done with musicophilia... Oliver sacks is so good at explaining neurological deficits in laymen terms and with engaging anecdotes. Need to get my hands on the man who mistook his wife for a hat. Bought a book yesterday titled the hundred year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared. The title of the book caught my attention and I just had to buy it after reading the synopsis. Seems interesting and I sure hope it will be. The original was in Swedish (yes I couldnt help sneaking a few pages into my reading repertoire) and it seemed to be off to a pretty good start.

Bought a world map yesterday. Flipped through flipboard's travel photography today. Realized ive barely skimmed the tip of this earth's many splendors. So much world left unseen, unexplored. I wish all I ever do is exploring.

The camper, the Milky Way, aurora are just about some of my favorite things in the world.

The heart doesn't lie.

I wrote in another blog before that the heart never fails to amaze me. Not in the physiological sense but in the emotional sense. When one is feeling grieved or heartbroken one can truly feel that sore crushing pain in the heart. When one is happy, there's this strange soaring feeling in the heart. when one is in love, the heart goes fluttering, and all thoughts and words get lost. When one is pining, one can actually feel that longing and aching in the heart. It's just so strange that all these feelings are connected to an organ other than the brain. How is that possible? Our creator is truly amazing and beyond our comprehension.

Some truths are plain to see,
But we get blinded by our fears.
Everyone else around us sees things more clearly than we ourselves can. Are we less intuitive about ourselves than others are? I think we all have this wall of denial, a form of defense mechanism that protects us from pain. But is it worth it? Avoiding pain but then at the end of our lives, realizing we have lived in vain.
I am afraid, very afraid of everything that is to come once the rock falls over my head. That rock I've decided to throw but not quite sure how to throw it, to give it the softest landing.... Can I take everything in my stride?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, living a lie. Everyday pretending. Trying to live another life but doesn't yet know how. Looking for answers but can't find any. Coming to a standstill. Grasping at straws. I need a change. Unsure of which path to take. Which direction to turn.

"... you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things."

I really like this quote from into the wild but sorta half agree and half disagree about it.
I think at the end near death he realized the importance of having human relationships. He said happiness is real when shared. How sad...

The wedding song - bob dylan

I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love
I love you more than money and more than the stars above
Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea
Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me

Ever since you walked right in, the circle’s been complete
I’ve said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun
I love you more than ever and I haven’t yet begun

You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live
When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give
Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole
Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul

You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife
My thoughts of you don’t ever rest, they’d kill me if I lie
I’d sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth
We’ll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth
What’s lost is lost, we can’t regain what went down in the flood
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood

It’s never been my duty to remake the world at large
Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge
’Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn’t bend
And if there is eternity I’d love you there again

Oh, can’t you see that you were born to stand by my side
And I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride
You’re the other half of what I am, you’re the missing piece
And I love you more than ever with that love that doesn’t cease

You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see
Just bein’ next to you is a natural thing for me
And I could never let you go, no matter what goes on
‘Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone

The lyrics to this song are beautiful, so full of love. But we all know how well this love ended.... Is love mostly a moment of
folly?

I'm an OS

Saw an ad today- a group of folks gathered at a dinner table but all were busy with their gadgets. It's certainly not an uncommon scene these days. Einstein once said he feared the day that technology would surpass human interaction. Such a visionary that man. The time has come now. It kinda reminded me of the movie "Her". Many people in our lives have started to become like OS-es. We don't meet, we don't talk, we whatsapp, we send short electronic messages, we send emails, really what's the difference between an intelligent electronic system and a real person? I guess the OS in the film has even one-upped most of our interactions these days. At least it has a voice. These days zilch... Kinda wishing we could rewind time....
Convenience comes at a price and the price seems a tad too heavy. We are a many walls removed from each other now.
But the thing is if I were to stop all messaging, not return messages, people would probably think I'm being an uncaring ass. I don't even know now how to start a phone conversation with friends when it had came so easily in the past. I still remember the times when we would call each other and chat late into the night. And even sang songs over the phone. Funny times. All gone now. Who has the time for these things these days?

I've got no rhythm and rhyme
I've got no reason and time
To walk along behind
Someone so fine.

We live we die

People were born into the world
People were born to die
How we live
How we die
What does it matter?
Where we live
Where we die
What does it matter?
You and I
We are both the same
We breathe the same air
We eat
We drink
We laugh
We cry
We live
We die.
There is no complexity
Everything is uncomplicated.
It is very simple actually.
We live
We die.
You and I
We are both the same.
A simple truth
We can't deny.

Half the perfect life
Half the perfect lie
Half the perfect dream