Cookie

 Saw a huge cockroach in the kitchen. Almost felt like it was because cookie is gone that the cockroaches went on a rampage. 

Feeling better today than yesterday. Much less crying.

I had dreaded going out coz I wasn’t sure if I would be a total spoilsport. 

Didn’t feel like talking and socialising  

But I was more communicative than expected. I could talk about cookie without crying.

But back at home it was almost like someone flipped a switch. Teared a bit that cookie is no longer here to take care of pests. That there is no longer anyone there sitting by the door waiting for our return

Cookie

 Cookie left yesterday - 5/9/2023 3 months short of his 19th 

Missing his crazy antics 

It was hard going into the kitchen and not seeing his food bowl and water fountain anymore. 

All I could do today was lie in bed and look at his photos and videos and cry. 

We went out for a meal and drink and I burst out crying in the restaurant. Loud sobs. Embarrassing. 

On the day he died, I saw a housefly flying above him. We almost never get houseflies. It was ominous and I knew. 

Still I ignored my guts and went to work in the morning. The only good thing was I had enough sense to return home in the afternoon. 

Kept him company. He was mewing so softly. I was engrossed in work for a while and ignored his cries. 

Then I petted him again. 

Then I left him again for work which took me away for just two hours. 

Left at 420pm Wikki came back at 530pm and he was already gone. 

I wonder why he couldn’t just wait. 

Seeing him suffer I had initially thought of shifting his vet appointment to Tuesday evening. But then I thought perhaps he could just hang on for a day more. Just a little bit more time. But I guess he hated vet visit enough to leave before that. The things he would do, to run away from the vet. 

My right eye hurt from too much crying.

I don’t know how to face the tasks ahead tomorrow.

Things will get better.

Memories fade and the pain will lessen  

I hate u for leaving, cookie.

And I wonder how it was like for u during your last moments.

Did you suffer? 

You looked relatively glam for a dying senior cat. 

I thought maybe you had a chance.

I was hopeful for a while  

Maybe it’s my fault for insisting on giving u a bath  

Your bulb went out right after the bath. 

I was impatient. 

Could have waited for the waterless shampoo to come  

I wished I had been there when you took your last breaths  

I wish, I really wish. 

I will see you again, Cookie. 

Maybe soon.