The sea

Thought of finding something simple to paint to ease myself back to painting again but oh the horrors of painting the sea! Being greedy I painted an extra wave and it just looked weird now... sigh.. any errors mean re-painting most part of it..
This much took me a few seatings... probably the longest time I've spent painting anything. The colors are difficult to blend and mimick.... a real pain....

Lazy days

been lazy these days- not painting, reading little, not writing... spent my time watching random YouTube videos, playing games... ugh. I feel sorry for the time wasted on nothing.

Last week's study was on Revelations chpt 14.... someone mentioned that there is a possibility that it will be heaven on earth after the last days. Instead of us thinking of heaven as a place up there, earth will be restored to God's original plan of a Garden of Eden. Hence we should do our part for this coming "restoration"- caring for the environment and other social concerns.

Perhaps that's true although I couldn't wrap my head around it at first. My thoughts had always been that this earth is deteriorating, that no matter what we do, it is futile- we are just heading for self-destruction. Morbid? Yes but that's the law of entropy, isn't it? I don't see how in my finite mind that the earth could be transformed to paradise. But all these don't really matter, whether it is heaven on earth or a new heaven..I believe somehow that this life is just a dress rehearsal...
Yes we need to be concerned about the environment, people, social issues, etc because all of these belong to God and we are called to be stewards of His creation. In this life, we hone ourselves to be better stewards such that when earth is restored to perfection, history will not repeat itself  because those who are in it, have prep a lifetime for this.

At cell today, I was saying how "split" I feel at times- being a different person when I am in different company. Which of me is my true self? The beer swigging one, the meek church mouse, the tactless sharp tongue one, the diplomatic one? But I think perhaps all of us are like that.. some maybe more so than others.. I don't know.

Hadn't done the review for Neil Gail nan's truth is a cave in the black mountains. Man, this book gave me the creeps just like the ocean at the end of the lane. I can't put my finger on it but there's just something sinister in the things he writes...

Need to get things organized, scheduled and then sticking to the schedule.
Really need to paint and start taking online courses and getting my project sorted out. Been procrastinating and procrastinating.... procrastination is a disease that eats at you.

I agree that the things we regret the most are those we didn't do, rather than those we did. Even if things ended up badly because of what we did, oftentimes there is a lesson to take away from it. But for things we didn't do, what lessons do we draw from them? Nothing...

The heart is ill these days- filled with doubts and whatnots. Today at service, I began to wonder if Christ was truly the Messiah or was it all a myth? I shudder to think that I could think of things like that. I pushed the thoughts away as I couldn't bear my own disbelief and scepticism. Why is my heart hard? Why is it so difficult to truly embrace God and to put God In the Centre of my life? Went for block outreach today; was initially dragging my feet but later found that I quite enjoyed the task.
I guess I need to pray harder and to dwell in His words more.

On a side note, it is strange how these days most people brush away the importance of religion in a relationship. How do two people come together, move together when their very core beliefs and values are vastly different? For instance, a Christian might believe in the everlasting life and so lend little significance to the now and the world s/he lives in, which is contrary to what the non-believer values- the now, materialism, etc.
society also tends to emphasise the importance of self- we see the tons of books in the self-help section of a bookstore-where else the Christian belief is one that emphasizes losing the self.
How do we reconcile these differences?
Although I cannot say that I've been in the Christian community for a long time but i do observe a difference between a godly man and one who is not. I can't place a finger on it but the godly man seems to exude a certain radiance, softness and goodness which I don't see in most people.

A writer's diary- Virginia Woolf

I enjoyed Virginia Woolf's prose a lot; she had a flair for creating sentences that fill you with amazement at its creativity and beauty. The book is as the title exemplifies, all about her struggles with writing, books she read, her association with other writers, etc. it gives the impression that writing is her life, the sole purpose of her living. She was just so preoccupied with it- writing in her diary, drafting her novels, writing book reviews... she wrote of her anxieties over others' opinions of her novels- she cared too much whether others like it but eventually she managed to convince herself that what others thought were ic no significance to her.
I didn't manage to finish the book, had to return it to the library. I must admit after reading half the book it did get a little boring.
What I admired about Woolf is that she was constantly honing her craft and also had this deep interest in reading- oftentimes planing her reading list, ensuring to vary it and including Greek and French into her reading.

Sense and sensibility - Jane Austen

Didn't like the book although it was quite refreshing to read something different from the usual. The prose I am not sure, felt a little stiff and awkward. The plot felt frivolous. Nobody in the book seemed to have a real job. All everyone did was to hold dinner parties, play card games, getting engaged.... Elinor Dashwood and her younger sister, Marianne Dashwood were the main characters of the book. Elinor was the more sensible, rational, and austere one, while Marianne was the prettier and spoilt one. Marianne met Willoughby when she and Elinor were racing home and she fell- cue Willoughby to the rescue. Willoughby and Marianne soon grew close and Marianne thought that he was going to propose to her for sure. However, Willoughby went unheard from and subsequently Marianne came to know he had gotten engaged and was to marry soon. The reason he turned his back on her was that he needed money and hence, had chosen to marry a wealthier woman. Marianne had another quiet suitor in Colonel Brandon, a much older man who was less exciting that Willoughby. Marianne grew ill and Elinor kept watch by her side while she too was nursing a broken heart. She and Edward Ferrars were too meant to be engaged but she later learnt that Edward was already engaged to a dull and uneducated women- Lucy Steele. In a twist of fate and after some misunderstandings, she finally learnt that Lucy Steele had married Edward's brother instead. She was elated. All's well that ends well- Marianne married colonel brandon and Elinor married Edward ferrars.

I wonder what's the charm in this book? Why is it even popular? Really strange.

Battle hymn of the tiger mother- Amy Chua

Quite enjoyed the book although I found the tiger mom extremely ridiculous and perhaps bordering on insanity. The book's main focus strangely was on music lessons and not eg schoolwork, grades, etc. she did say though getting an A- was unacceptable and taking part in eg school plays is a waste of time. Her children were not allowed to learn any other instruments except for the piano and violin. I am not sure why this is so... neither do I understand why excelling in music was her topmost priority for her kids. To me music is a hobby, something that's meant to be enjoyed. However, for the tiger mom music was a source of pride and ego. Making her kids practice 6 hours a day is just insane. It's funny though how Sophia, the elder daughter could tolerate such harsh drills and still enjoyed the instrument. For her younger daughter, lulu, however, things turned awry. The hatred that was building inside her came to blows while on a family holiday in Russia- Lulu threw a glass and screamed at Amy Chua in a cafe- a totally brattish behavior that Amy Chua thought would never happen in her children. It was striking when Lulu told Chua one day not to ruin tennis for her the way she ruined violin.
Lulu had loved the violin and was enormously talented at the instrument-auditioning at Julliard and obtaining concertmaster status at a young age. Unfortunately the hours of practice she had to put in finally made her give up playing the violin. What a pity...

After reading the book, it was hard not to think that her daughters would turn out to be socially awkward weirdos but thankfully it was not so. Whether they are successful individuals or not, I can't say as success is truly subjective. What defines success? Bring on top of the social ladder? Being in an Ivy League school? Being kind? Being happy? Being rich? Being popular? Being Famous?

It spells the end of everything.
With a tinge of regret,
U will remain a fond memory
And nothing else
Like dust in the wind.
All the time spent
Under the sun
Was only fool's gold
I meant nothing to you
And you nothing to me.
Would I change my mind again
Tomorrow?
I have changed it too many times.
This time,
It shall remain
Chained
Locked
For eternity.