Pondering

The year is drawing to a close yet again. Time flew. Hardly find the time to settle down with my own thoughts. I was reminded of something I didn't do recently. Was buying gelato some weeks back and saw an elderly man staring at the gelato on display for a long time. I wanted to ask if I could buy him one but I didn't dare to. What did I fear ? I don't even know, it's just ridiculous how wussy I can get. He walked away subsequently and I was filled with regrets. It also reminded me of how we are free to acquire all the things we want and yet, there are others in our society who have to think twice about splurging on a $5 ice cream.

What have I done this year apart from indulging in my many hobbies? Nothing. Have I grown as a person? I don't think so. Are there only merits in deeds? Yes and no. I've been reminded recently by someone that I tend to focus on the external things, the doing, but neglected my own spiritual growth.  Admittably, I have realized the same thing of myself. I am always doing but never really stop to consider the motives, the goals, and the things I should really be doing to draw closer to God. In fact this year I have slacked so much and I find myself lacking discipline in attending service, making efforts to study the word, putting the word in actions and thoughts. Sometimes I think I feel my own heart rotting and I grow ever more disappointed with myself. How do I liberate myself from the traps I have set? I need strength and courage to be rid of my slothful and fearful  self.

Dreams

Two dreams of you. I can't be sure if it's good or bad to dream like this. Over the rainbow was playing in the first and we were on a bicycle. I was happy just being there behind you. I knew then that our time was short and we rode away to a village. I remember it was in ubin but the village looked different. The day was warm, the sun was high, and there was a beautiful breeze. We fell asleep in the back of a wagon and then the phone rang and I knew I had to go. It was the alarm and I woke, feeling a sense of regret. It was a happy dream but it was broken.

A dream again the next day. One I don't remember much of. Again, I knew in the dream that our time was short-lived but there was once 

more a sense of joy in your presence. You told me of a place where the stars were aplenty and where the lake reflected them beautifully. I wanted to go to a place like that. When I woke I was angry. Why is it you again? 

Winter

Had to add a tree to cover up a snowflake accident. Guess I'd better learn how to correct a mistake properly.. 

YouTube is such a fascinating platform, you can learn perpetually anything on it. 

I think to date I've gained a few skills such as knitting, painting, and playing the uke purely from YouTube. The only things I wasn't able to master were the guitar and harmonica. Somehow it just seems impossible to learn these two instruments on my own. 

Have done my third painting so far and I'm so pleased with this newfound skill Coz I'd always thought that I just didn't have this "artistic gene", after getting Cs for art classes. But I do love to paint, being so focused on the colors and strokes and nothing else. It's almost like being in a realm of your own. Trying hard to fight the urge to paint all the time 

I have nothing left to offer

All my days have been sold