Just weirdly tearing up over the weekend and not knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s just frustration of not being able to move forward, not being able to make the decision that I think is right for me. Maybe there’s too much chatter around me, making it harder for me to think with clarity and a sound mind. I feel weary. Isn’t this what I had prayed for and wanted? Why the second thoughts ? Have I been too driven by fear? I don’t think many will understand and empathize the insecurities of contract workers. We don’t get extra benefits, higher pay, etc. yet year after year, we wonder if we will have still have a job when the grant well runs dry. And I think, it has made me stay stagnant for so long, not daring to make a move coz I don’t know with certainty what the future holds. Although technically, even with a perm job, one can lose one’s job too but still. What do I really want? Either way seems like a lose-lose situation for me.
Why do I feel sad and heartbroken by this? Maybe it’s insanity, fatigue, boredom creeping in. Didn’t respond to anyone today, even my boss’ several messages went unanswered. Just not in the mood to talk to anyone or tell anyone what I’m feeling and going through. I don’t think anyone will understand and probably think I’m crazy or hormonal.
Maybe I am. Who knows ? I wish I have all the answers.
Empty souls roam the streets
lit by neon lights of red and blue
Shadows of illusion casted by the moon
I find no hearts to be true.
Searching for a safe haven
The restless souls know no peace
it is fool's gold at the rainbow's end
Their search will never cease.
What do they dream?
The haunted souls know no sleep
Eyes wide open and buried in,
An abyss of lies too deep.
A little disappointed that the job offer did not come through. Although in the first place, i did admittedly feel a bit reluctant to apply for the post, as having to leave my comfort zone is just well, uncomfortable. But i was reminded again that at one point in time, I was determined to leave coz of all the disappointing relationships and issues in the office. Find it a little hard to believe at times, how someone who's barely a year into the job, can have the power to make two people want to resign. Adding to all these issues, is the feeling of being overlooked and hitting the progression ceiling, whilst everyone else is moving forward. Is attaining a PhD really the only way to go for me, is it well worth my time, money, and effort? Am i pursuing it for the sake of just a piece of paper, a sorry excuse to progress, or the freedom to do what I want, without being at anyone's beck and call? the latter is perhaps, just an ideal, which may not happen, given the short career span that I will have. Decision, decision..do I bite the bullet and take the paycut, look elsewhere or continue being miserable where I am?
A reminder to myself as well, that some people, are no longer worth my time and effort. it's perhaps not the friendship they cherish, but rather what they can take from you. Easily casted aside and replaceable during peacetime.
