Standing on the edge of a parapet,
Delusions, hallucinations,
Reality like a foggy dream.
Lost my way,
Searching for a light that doesn’t exist.
Craving for the warmth of the sun,
But the dark clouds come,
And the frost settles into the night.
I see you at a distance,
At the end of the world you stand,
Your cup is full,
But mine is empty.
The starlit river,
It glitters like a carpet of diamonds,
But it is a river I can never cross,
In my darkness,
I will never reach you.
Be still and know that I am God.
Last week’s sermon is true in that it’s increasingly difficult to remain still and quiet and wait patiently for God to reveal Himself to us. The world is just too noisy and busy. As human beings, we can’t help but to take things into our own hands, letting ourselves get burnt, banging against walls, and getting ourselves all beat up and weary. For what purpose exactly? It stems from the insecurity that God does not have our back. It stems from the insecurity of uncertainty, of not knowing. It stems from impatience- the disease that grips our modern world-the need for instant gratification. It’s an ailment that knows no cure, not serious enough to be in the DSM, but equally destructive and crippling.
The need to get what we want and quickly has driven people to crimes, debts, toxic relationships, etc. Sometimes we call such people the go-getters, the ambitious and exalt them. The go-getters sometimes manipulate and wrap others around their little finger to get what they want, not coz they want the “prize” but rather the feeling of winning. The go-getters sometimes step on everyone else, pull out all stops, and put up a theatrical show, to get to where they want to be. I suppose the benefit of age is the ability to see through these little acts; the showmanship of the go-getters can give you the chuckles but for some well, they just make you wanna leave the scene.
Been a long time since I stayed out past 3am. The breeze, the view kept us awake. Meow really enjoyed the place and We talked till my voice turned hoarse.
There are some things I realize about love and people. Some people avoid love/attachment because they fear loss. This is something that I’m guilty of sometimes. Some people they use love as a means to get to where they need to be. For instance, someone who desperately wants to be married, goes out seeking and chooses someone deemed to be suitable as a life partner or checks all the boxes versus someone who falls in love with someone and decides to marry that someone they fell in love with.
The latter is something that I subscribe to. You WANT to get married because you WANT to marry that person as opposed to you WANT to get married and someone comes along and you evaluate if this person is suited to get married to.
I do wonder if one is better than the other. To the world, it may look like the same thing but I think fundamentally, it’s vastly different. One is a selfish kind of love - you are using someone to fulfil your own desire. The other to me, is pure love. But then again, people can grow to love someone. People can make a decision to love or make things work because they need it to, because they need to fulfil their own desire. Sometimes it could be that both parties have the same desires and they choose to give each other the chance to fall in love.
I do wonder though if pure love exists in a world that has grown exceedingly self-centred.
On another note, meow said men and women may perhaps be the same, in that our egos get stroked in the same way, when someone expresses their interest in us. I reckon it contains a bit of truth coz well, human beings in general are vain and narcissistic. Most have no qualms about leading others on for their own egoistic needs and for some, perhaps as a back up plan in case they do get lonely (know too many of such assholes). I initially had rejected this notion, thinking that men would behave in this manner but not women. But after some exchange, I guess both sexes might be guilty of such offences. Disgusted that I am, I guess it’s all part of human nature.
Can’t seem to chase the dark clouds away. I’ve already given up hope of ever finding a listening ear, a non-judgmental one, a wise one, someone with the right words. Short of all these, I don’t really see the point in talking.
Everyone’s busy talking about the weather, their own lives, every conversation screams me me me...
I think maybe I’m getting more and more tired of human interaction. Perhaps it’s not such a bad thing to walk away sometimes. People are so caught up in their own world, that they wouldn’t notice your disappearance.
It's interesting how the people you once thought the world of, turned out to be someone completely different over time. I'm not sure if I have become impatient, less tolerant, more judgmental or is it just that their behaviour has become inexcusable?
Perhaps being an ass is a form of self-defense...
