Dunning-kruger effect applies to character

And then I remembered, I used to write poetries. Everyday feels the same these days and I feel uninspired. There were a million and one things I wanted to explore/ experience but all these seem to have faded away and I’ve lost desires for most things. Pottery, poetries, paintings, piano, ukulele, scrapbooking, photography. Well I guess at least I’m still exercising, drinking, journaling, and reading. Suppose these count for something, I hope? My days are just crazy gray.

Skip a stone, 

Ripples in the water,

The tears of the sun,

Glisten like diamonds.

I remember a day,

When the world was asleep,

and it was just me,

And my silent breaths.

I was alive,

I truly was,

Once.

Mirth

I wonder why I’ve become so mirthless. From being able to laugh at every little thing, to being all gloomy and grumpy. There’s this sense of doom and a perpetual heaviness in my heart, that im finding it hard to breathe. I just want to lie in bed and not move. These dark thoughts, where are they coming from? I feel like I’ve failed everyone, including myself. Not good enough, not fast enough, not capable enough, not hardworking enough. The mountain before me seems unsurmountable. I wonder if I can make it. Perhaps I should give up. Been having these passing suicidal thoughts. 

Running away

People who care less have the upper hand. Sometimes I wonder why I bother treasuring relationships that don’t mean a thing to the other party. People can walk away without any good reasons, not taking heart of the pain they inflict on you. To think that I stuck around when everybody else abandoned ship, stuck around when he was so difficult to be with. I asked myself time and again, how I managed to dig so deep within me for that patience. Feel really used. I suppose relationships are meant to be this way these days - transactional. Easily casted away when you are no longer of any value. People decried loyalty, discredited all that you have done for them in the past, because they can no longer milk you today. 

It’s funny how nothing seems to be working out for me ever since that incident. I had been so convicted that it was a decision God wanted me to make, so convicted that I was doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if I’d been wrong and had mistaken my own folly for God’s voice.

Had I made a mistake in my decision to stay? Why have things gone all awry? From workplace relationships to work to studies to personal relationships, nothing seems to be going my way. I don’t show it but deep down, I think I’m gonna fall apart. On the outside, I’m seemingly chill and unfazed by everything but I guess, that’s just me pretending and burying everything deep within. I wish there’s a way out, that everything can be set right again. I wish I could run away. 

The Pharisees. I see so much of the Pharisees syndrome in people. Those blessed with gifts of intelligence, wealth, privilege, turning into snobs and being overly judgmental of everyone. Never bothering to walk in someone’s shoes, not seeing the good in people, thinking everyone who falls short is just lazy. Some people put the knowledge and skills they acquire to good use, while others just use them as a means to persecute people. Masquerading one’s arrogance, pride, as their superior than thou character/principles. To these people, there’s only one truth, their own. 

Fatigue

The sadness, frustration, and pressure have been bubbling deep inside me. Some days I just feel like giving up, running away, and hiding. Nothing seems to be going my way. Relationships are failing and I sometimes get the feeling that, the foundation of many a friendship is only skin-deep. Perhaps i should have let some people go a long time ago. Them being in my life have brought me regrets and sadness. How do I get over the fear of cutting ties off? How do I be cool about losing people and not keep feeling that ache? How should I forget and move on? 

On the study and work front, I’ve started doubting my own abilities and mental capacity. Finding myself becoming more and more dull-witted, unfocused, and missing details. It’s like I can no longer connect the dots. I fear it might be early dementia. The poor memory, the inability to reason, easily ruffled, not remembering routes and words, inability to focus…the pressure is building coz it seems like I’ve not been progressing, and the No of obstacles just keep piling up. Sometimes I feel so anxious and afraid, that I just feel fatigued and unable to move. 

I am so tired. I wonder if I deserve anything. Wonder if I can keep finding the strength to move, to keep myself alive. 

Unthinking men

 Hannah arendt- the danger of the unthinking man. 

Was eichmann truly evil or was he just a victim of circumstances? Would we have done the same things as he did, taking orders unquestioningly, believing that we are just “doing our job”? 

Isn’t behavior like this very militant? When soldiers kill, should they then be branded as murderers or evil men? The purpose could be deemed as a moral duty to protect our countrymen but the end result is still the same, isn’t it? There’s blood on your hands no matter how we justify it.