Relationships

I've been wanting to start a spiritual journal since God knows when and yet, it's almost coming to the end of the year, and I've not done anything. The power of procrastination. Sigh. 

Things have been a little strange these days and I'm starting to believe what our mentor said about spiritual warfare. I've never been truly convinced about the spiritual realm and believed that it's mostly man's doing or evil nature that causes chaos. I guess sometimes you just have to believe that these things exist, that sometimes our flesh is weak, and we can't fight against the thoughts the evil one tries to plant in our minds to cause division. 

I've not been praying much nor have I been reflecting on the way things are now. A lot of discord has been sown in our cell group and it's weird, one by one people start dropping out like flies. It's been one incident after another. At the end of the day, I think, man's downfall is his pride. I admit that I've too much of it and always remain the one unwilling to back down from a fight. If only, I've such endurance for other things in life... anyway, I'm determined not to let things affect the group. 

In other realms, work has not been great. I'm feeling a sense of lethargy and wonder where I'm getting to. I absolutely abhor the secretariat work that I've been tasked to. Relationship wise at work hasn't been all roses as well. Difficult times. 

Strangely warmed

Had picked out Nelson Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom, intending to read it today but while I was cataloging the books, I chanced upon Strangely Warmed, which was given to me by the church on my baptism day (April 2014). I'd never touched the book and didn't think about reading it till today, a whole 2 years later. 

It is quite captivating to read about the founding of the Methodist faith, how it was all started by the strangely warmed feeling that John Wesley experienced. The book gave several short stories of those who had contributed to the building of the faith in Singapore. It certainly is not easy giving your life to work like these- church planting, evangelism, preaching, missionaries, etc. A truth that I didn't realize till now that it should always have been faith before holiness. By faith, we believe in our salvation through Christ, that we have been pardoned from all sins, and because of this holiness is manifested. Oftentimes, we have the idea that we need to do good to please God and to attain salvation. But that is not true. Salvation is given freely and is not attainable by our own strength. No matter how much good we do, without faith, there is no salvation nor holiness. I've also been reminded that the faith can't be practiced alone, that Methodism, is really about being part of a big family. You look out for each other and keep each other safe in this walk with God. Admittably, it is often easier said than done. It is so much more comfortable and less burdensome, to practice the faith in solitude and to believe that the faith is a personal one. Unfortunately, this is not the case. We are called to be accountable for one another and we do need to be part of the family. 

Stiff upper lip

Today's alpha hit the nail on the head. Nicky gumbel spoke of "emotionalism" and the Brits lack thereof of emotions, especially in public. This is why we always associate a stiff upper lip with the Brits. I think I might have been a Brit borne into an Asian body for having the exact same feelings regarding any public display of emotions. This was one of the reasons I refused to be prayed for twice during the alpha "Holy Spirit" weekend, and again at church camp. I was afraid i would cry as from time to time I felt strange stirrings of emotions for no apparent reason. Today the same thing happened. I struggled like hell whether to be prayed for but seeing everyone do it, I felt odd not following (yes I'm the mindless type of crowd follower) and so I did. And what I feared most and did not want happen most came true. I sobbed like crazy in front of colleagues who came for alpha and it just kept coming in waves thereafter for the next 2 hours. I thought God was being funny but I know it might have been necessary for something like this to happen. To give up control over ourselves, our lives. God slowly breaks down our defences when we try so hard not to be vulnerable, when we try so hard to control things. At long last, He shows us He is Lord over us that all we can do is surrender. 

Sibu, Sarawak 11-15 Dec 2015

I am not sure why I did not feel the least bit apprehensive about not knowing anyone on this trip. Neither did I ask anyone else if they were interested in coming along, which is something I usually do knowing how socially inept I am. I just signed up without telling anyone. I quite enjoyed the trip honestly even though most of the trippers were almost twice my age. I guess this was also one of the reasons why the schedule was quite lax with each day ending about 3pm. We visited two long houses and one ibanese church. I really liked the communal feel of the long houses although I am not sure if the ibanese do gather at the common area frequently or if they only do that on special occasions. The long houses are like Hdb flats built longitudinally, with modern sanitation like running taps, flushing indoor toilets, etc. I liked the longhouse (which held 51 units) we visited on the last day, which had a porch facing a large paddy field. It was enjoyable just sitting on the porch and having lunch, a simple fare using raw ingredients gathered from their surroundings, eg wild ferns, core from the trunk of a banana tree, bawang Assan, etc. We played games with the children, did a nativity play, taught some of the adults balloon sculpting, etc. What struck me most from the trip was the Christmas procession. I just felt so amazed that Christianity is celebrated so openly in a mainly Muslim country and also by the large throngs of Christians participating in the procession. It was a truly beautiful sight to behold.

Everything went smoothly for the entire trip except for the first and last day. On the first day my luggage lock died on me and I was so flustered, worried that u wouldn't be able to access my luggage during any security checks. But thankfully, the airport staff solved the problem easily. On the last day we almost missed our flight back to SG as the transit time was way too short for an international flight. We had only 40 min to collect the luggage, check it in, clear customs and get to the boarding gate. It should have been clear to me that this was a mission impossible yet I didn't think of it, and just rushed off wanting to get the luggage checked in. If we had not done that, then the two trippers wouldn't have been left behind. 

On the whole, I felt that I did not do anything really significant for this trip. I guess the purpose of this trip was to just lend a bit of encouragement to the ibanese Christians there and to establish some bonds, and not exactly to make any impactful changes. 

I thought what would be more useful to them would be medical care such as dental checks/ treatment and physiotherapy techniques for pain relief in the knees. But that would be another mission for another day. 

The faithless one

A song was sang in church last Sunday and it went something like this,"I have faith in you". I almost teared at this because it just hit me how little faith I have and how much disbelief is still residing in my heart. I sometimes find myself not believing that God answers prayers. The head knows that He answers prayers in His own time and way and that what we ask for may not be the best options for us, and He will sometimes present us with things other than what we asked for. The head knows all these, yet the heart is always obstinate, not listening nor understanding, nor believing. How does one grow faith and not just knowledge? 

Had wanted to go for sibu mission trip last year but I missed the deadline. This year I felt a prompting to sign up for the trip again but didn't know about it till the last minute. Coincidentally the person in charge of the trip was sitting next to me during service and I felt an urge to ask her about it but being the procrastinator, I decided to just drop her an email. When I was about to leave the service she came up to me to pass a prayer pamphlet so I just asked her about it. She told me that I might be too late but to still drop her an email anyhow if I'm really keen on going. Dropped her a mail and she told me the bad news that the trip was already booked and that I would have to wait till next year. I was a little disappointed at first but then thought I could use the leave to go Bandung and started planning for it (this was later foiled and for a good reason- I do not have sufficient leave for both Bandung and sibu). 

I then received a missed call from pastor the next day but didn't return his call till the next morning and he told me that I might be able to join the trip if there are still flights and also that I would have to stay alone in the hotel room. He then said he would let me know again after he discussed with the mission team and a week passed and I was kinda having mixed feelings about going, as I didn't like staying alone in hotels. I must admit I was secretly relieved when he didn't send me any updates. 

I then received a message from a church member that there is a last minute sign up as well and that I would have a room mate. The flight and room were then confirmed today. I wonder if this is a work of God. So many coincidences and hiccups. 

Leftover time

I realize I'm always giving God my leftover time. There's only time for God only when the day's tasks are done. This shows how much priority/importance I've given God in my life. It is the same with people. For the important people/ interests/ tasks in our life, we portion our time to them first and it is through this gesture that we know our place in someone else's life. And it is also through this gesture that we realize just how much someone means to us. 

Recently I've been asked to be part of the core group in cell. My first thought was that I am definitely not "qualified" to be part of the group. How could I help others grow when I myself am struggling, sometimes with doubts, sometimes with questions that I just brush away because I do not have the answer to them. Sometimes I look on with envy at those whose connection with God is so close, that they can believe without a doubt that He is so real and present in their lives. 

I know that in most cases such faith does not come easy and these people may have paid a dear price to be where they are. What am I willing to give up for a steadfast faith? I don't know. I am still fearful of changes, of the unknown, of making wrong choices, of regrets. The faithless live in fear because they do not have faith and in order to be rid of fear they need to have faith and in order to have faith, they need to lose their fears and so it goes round and round....

Boldness

The most salient message I got out of the church camp was boldness. I was afraid of being prayed for, afraid of praying for someone because I was afraid of getting too emotional, afraid that I would cry in front of others.

And then it sorta hit me why I have always said that I'd never met with any adversities in life and that my life did not have any ups and downs. It is only because I've always chosen the easiest route even if I knew it was not the best one. Sometimes I was afraid of making difficult decisions because I did not want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I would just drift with whatever came my way, aimlessly. 

God-given right

Feeling a little regretful over something I did. Had meant to help but I don't know if it's become a case of 越帮越忙。most things in life are not our God-given rights. Nobody owes us anything. Yet, people are starting to think and act that you being kind and accommodating, is your obligation to me. Often we forget that when we are given something, something else has been taken away from that person. We overlook the fact that sometimes people have to jump through hoops and huddles to accommodate us. Are we so self-centered to only see what we are not given, that only our inconveniences, effort and time mattered? Is our role in life to keep taking without expending any effort on our part? Perhaps sometimes people are too blessed their whole life to be surrounded by good and giving people that they failed to recognize a blessing as a blessing and to take things for granted.

I get so pissed over people like that and yet, another part of me says "let those without sin cast the first stone". Should I be so critical? Should I judge? Do I even have the right to get angry? Coincidentally this is something I have to lead the discussion on for BS this week. 

I know the answer only too well yet I can't help feeling the injustice of it all (although the injustice was not done to me). And it's a struggle. Am i obligated to remind this person of all these things, or am I not in any position to comment? 

Belief

Was discussing about prosperity gospel with a cousin. Definitely not saying that being rich is wrong etc. and I do believe that God provides. But why did Jesus say it is easier for a camel to go through a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God? 

Prosperity is a two-headed snake, and one of it may bite you in the butt if you are not careful. I just had a thought that could God possibly be using prosperity as a test for us, a test to see where our heart is? But God is an all-knowing, all-seeing God, why does he need to test us to see our hearts? I have a feeling that these tests are sometimes not so much to show him our hearts but to show us our own hearts; akin to handing us a mirror. 

Honestly I still can't accept that it's all about blessings or leaving everything to God and not lifting a finger. I think it is more of a partnership when it comes to God. We need to want to seek him, need to want to do things with/for him, take the initiative to resolve things but at the same Time, believing he is there with us to go through all tribulations, that when we are tired, he will lift us up. I need to believe all these. 

Dostoyevsky

http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/11/11/dostoyevsky-dream/

"All are tending to one and the same goal, at least all aspire to the same goal, from the wise man to the lowest murderer, but only by different ways. It is an old truth, but there is this new in it: I cannot go far astray. I saw the truth. I saw and know that men could be beautiful and happy, without losing the capacity to live upon the earth. I will not, I cannot believe that evil is the normal condition of men… I saw the truth, I did not invent it with my mind. I saw, saw, and her living image filled my soul for ever. I saw her in such consummate perfection that I cannot possibly believe that she was not among men. How can I then go astray? … The living image of what I saw will be with me always, and will correct and guide me always. Oh, I am strong and fresh, I can go on, go on, even for a thousand years.

[…]

And it is so simple… The one thing is — love thy neighbor as thyself — that is the one thing. That is all, nothing else is needed. You will instantly find how to live."

I find it really amazing that both of these great Russian writers seemed to have arrived at the same conclusion of the eternal truth - love others as yourself.

But fyodor was missing a part of the puzzle- love God with all your heart. 

I think all other things will fall into place when we do that. If we love God, we will love all that He loves. 

Prosperity

http://iantan.org/2012/06/christians-and-hypocrites/

I actually wanted to write something similar on the topic of prosperity gospel some time ago but didn't get round to it. I think Ian Tan's piece is very well-said and aligned to my thinking, so I shan't waste time writing one. 

The imitation game

Quite an awesome movie which tells of Alan Turing's role in the Second World War. Turing was a mathematician/cryptologist, who devised a computer of sorts to break the Nazi's Enigma code. When one thinks of wars, one always thinks of the "frontliners" as the war heroes but the brains behind the scenes are equally important. Anyhow poor Turing, for all his war efforts, was eventually persecuted for homosexuality and had to go through chemical castration. He later killed himself (debatable) at age 41. 

It is probably unthinkable now to prosecute/persecute people based on their sexual orientation but I wonder what the origin of moral codes/law is. How do we decide what is right or wrong, how do we decide which wrong is a heavier sin than the other, how do we decide which sin is punishable? 

How we judge morals are often based on what religion dictates as right/wrong. If following that line of thought, then yes homosexuality is a sin. But so is murder, stealing, lying, adultery, hatred, etc. Is one sin heavier than the other? We discussed recently during BS that all sins are created equal. Hence, it is not true that Christianity rejects homosexuals but rather it views homosexuality as just one of the many sins of mankind. Does a church reject someone from entering its doors just because that person had told a lie the day before? Obviously not, otherwise, all churches would be devoid of a congregation. But then again, at the back of our minds, we human beings do weigh and compare sins. We often ask can a serial murderer be pardoned if at the end of his life, he begs for forgiveness and accept God? A lot of us have issues with this because of the unfairness of it. Would we feel the same way about a serial liar? Or a serial "angry" person? 

Role models

During bible study, we were asked who our role models were. Honestly, I couldn't think of any at that time. There are people whom I admire for their talents, tenacity, etc but as a role model, there really aren't many. But after a while, started to realize that yes, I do have one and that is Jesus. I of course didn't say this during bs, because it would have sounded too politically correct. It's really hard to imagine anyone else who could love as much as He did and truly truly forgive others for their trespasses as He did. His 

wonder lies not in his miracles and power or even as the son of God but for his ability to love. 

After all they did to him, this was what he said:

Luke 23:34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” 

Indeed, most of the times we do not know what we do. I think most of us have inherited God's capacity to love but sometimes, this capacity gets overshadowed by our inherent darker nature- selfishness, greediness, etc. for some, there may come a point where they lose all of that goodness. It often starts with a little anger, a little bitterness but if we are not careful, we can get engulfed by and trapped in our own shadows. 

Spiritual gifts

Ss sent me a questionnaire to find out about our spiritual gifts. I actually got poverty and mercy... Seriously... Maybe there's this desire to live simply... As for mercy, not exactly sure how I got that.... !

Been talking about starting a spiritual journal but haven't done it... Procrastination....

Things are funny and have a way of
Working their own way out. Was deliberating for some time what i could possibly do at the orphanage. And teaching english was one of the ideas i had. was procrastinating and deliberating if I should really commit myself to something like that and also how to go about starting it. Then got to know a girl (whom ive never met) who has been teaching English there through Samuel. Still, I procrastinate about asking her for more details. But the thought and the urge of doing it never dissipated and i guess i was just bidding for time. But for no apparent reason today, she asked if anyone's interested in teaching English as she's short handed! The message is too in the face to not take up the offer. So I did.

It caught me by surprise the way I've started missing the kids after just a mere 3 days with them. They are just so incredible- open, joyful, caring for one another, etc. Hopefully the fire for them will not burn out and I'll have the strength and perseverance to do more for them.
On another note, was amused by another incident during the trip. I realized I've been getting more and more impatient. When a prayer gets too long, I find myself wandering. When someone talks too much and too long, I get annoyed and start wishing that person would hurry up and get to the point. When I don't see immediate results, I tend to give up whatever I am doing. Knowing my impatient nature, I prayed before the trip for God to grant me patience. And the funny thing was the group I was assigned to was called patience! Just what i prayed for and I didn't realize it until the last day of the trip... Rather retarded.
I think I have gained more from the trip than I gave. Of all the kids, I was impressed most by Arwan-hardworking, kind, talented, mature, and God-loving. I have more affinity with Mefati though and was very happy to see how he opened up on the last day of the trip. Before that we asked him to sing for us and he refused to. On the last day, he brought a guitar and just sat in front of me and asked me to sing while he played. I didn't know the song so couldn't sing. Then he just started singing three songs to me. Very heartwarming. It really doesn't take much to bring joy to someone. Was very impressed with Samuel as well. He acted as our translator as he was the only one out of the whole group to speak good English. He has also signed up for Bible college. I like him most for his humour and the way he takes care of the rest of the kids like a big brother-teaching them songs and just watching over them. I thank God for the opportunity to know these people.

Purpose driven life

Re-reading this as SSS told me she just started doing it as a 40-day "quest". And we sorta decided to do it together albeit to a bit of a standstill especially with all the traveling going on. Nonetheless, I had wanted to re-do this properly coz I had cheated during the first time by reading a few chapters a day rather than the 1 chapter a day and then writing down my reflections.
I really like chapter 3 about fear. "Well-formed love banishes fear. A fearful life is one not yet fully formed in love." It also says fear is a self-imposed prison. Totally relatable.
I guess fear stems from the ego. The ego gets bruised and so does our self-image. No one wants to feel like a loser, so we try our best to not do things that may possibly damage our perception of the self.
Human beings have so many fears. It's funny to think about it. Fear of the dark, fear of loneliness, fear of bring rejected, fear of failure, fear of losing things/people, fear of not being loved, fear of death, fear of heights.... A million and one fears. Where do we learn these fears? Are they imprinted in our DNA? Are all these fears borne out of the need to protect ourselves? Or are they in fact, crippling us to be what we potentially could be/ gain? I think the latter might be true (although the evolutionary folks might think otherwise). Some of these fears are irrational. Sometimes calculated risks have to be taken for us to end up where we want to be. I guess I Have a lot of fears to work on and to get rid of the "resigned to fate" attitude. I have this really annoying habit of thinking that if something doesn't happen for me at the get-go,then it's not meant to be mine, and then I just give up. And most of the time, I didn't even try hard enough in the first place to get to where I want to be.

Unstoppable-Nick Vujicic

Another baptism gift. This man's faith and perseverance are just astounding. Most people would just wallow in self-pity when things go awry and that's just because we are often too wound up with the "me" and can't see beyond our short-sightedness.
It does take extremely strong faith to believe that every trial and tribulation that we face now are for the betterment of us. That we should give up control/ our desires and surrender our will to God. Surrender, a word we often associate with failure and weakness but vujicic believes the contrary, and so does many other believers. Not easy especially in this era when people just wanna feel "in control" of their lives.
I wanna do that. But is it just a passing thought or a true conviction? I don't know yet. But i am very curious about his visions and plans for me. Often times I am filled with self-doubt- I am not good enough to serve, not knowledgeable enough to share the gospel, not good enough this and that. Just like Moses was. When god asked him to speak to the Pharoah, he said he did not have the gift of tongue. But god asked him to go forth and said he would help him. I guess when we know our calling/ direction, there is no "not good enough". And even if that has a little truth in it, go forth anyway and hone the "not good enough" into something great.
There were several anecdotes I liked. Will update a bit more next time.

Inspiring read!

Feeling kinda foul these days. Have this sudden sense of disgust at human beings. The apathy of people, turning a blind eye to most things, the mad rush everyone seemed to be in, the way people seemed to be happier having a relationship with their gadgets, and mostly the anger that people displayed to one another at the slightest thing. Everyone has become so intolerant, so impatient. It's making me feel so hopeless.
I guess intolerance and this buried anger can happen to anyone and everyone if we are not careful. These things are a vicious cycle; someone's snappiness at you can trigger you to do the same to someone else. And so the dominoes fall....
I've found myself being disgusted at myself too, of the things i didnt do, of the things i did. These sick feelings have gotta stop...