Just weirdly tearing up over the weekend and not knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s just frustration of not being able to move forward, not being able to make the decision that I think is right for me. Maybe there’s too much chatter around me, making it harder for me to think with clarity and a sound mind. I feel weary. Isn’t this what I had prayed for and wanted? Why the second thoughts ? Have I been too driven by fear? I don’t think many will understand and empathize the insecurities of contract workers. We don’t get extra benefits, higher pay, etc. yet year after year, we wonder if we will have still have a job when the grant well runs dry. And I think, it has made me stay stagnant for so long, not daring to make a move coz I don’t know with certainty what the future holds. Although technically, even with a perm job, one can lose one’s job too but still. What do I really want? Either way seems like a lose-lose situation for me.
Why do I feel sad and heartbroken by this? Maybe it’s insanity, fatigue, boredom creeping in. Didn’t respond to anyone today, even my boss’ several messages went unanswered. Just not in the mood to talk to anyone or tell anyone what I’m feeling and going through. I don’t think anyone will understand and probably think I’m crazy or hormonal.
Maybe I am. Who knows ? I wish I have all the answers.
Empty souls roam the streets
lit by neon lights of red and blue
Shadows of illusion casted by the moon
I find no hearts to be true.
Searching for a safe haven
The restless souls know no peace
it is fool's gold at the rainbow's end
Their search will never cease.
What do they dream?
The haunted souls know no sleep
Eyes wide open and buried in,
An abyss of lies too deep.
A little disappointed that the job offer did not come through. Although in the first place, i did admittedly feel a bit reluctant to apply for the post, as having to leave my comfort zone is just well, uncomfortable. But i was reminded again that at one point in time, I was determined to leave coz of all the disappointing relationships and issues in the office. Find it a little hard to believe at times, how someone who's barely a year into the job, can have the power to make two people want to resign. Adding to all these issues, is the feeling of being overlooked and hitting the progression ceiling, whilst everyone else is moving forward. Is attaining a PhD really the only way to go for me, is it well worth my time, money, and effort? Am i pursuing it for the sake of just a piece of paper, a sorry excuse to progress, or the freedom to do what I want, without being at anyone's beck and call? the latter is perhaps, just an ideal, which may not happen, given the short career span that I will have. Decision, decision..do I bite the bullet and take the paycut, look elsewhere or continue being miserable where I am?
A reminder to myself as well, that some people, are no longer worth my time and effort. it's perhaps not the friendship they cherish, but rather what they can take from you. Easily casted aside and replaceable during peacetime.
I suppose I’m by nature a worrier, weighing every single step never daring to take a risk. Perhaps this may be a source of discontentment coz you know deep down, you are not pursuing all that you want and it makes you feel trapped.
Fear I guess is a way we protect ourselves, the way human beings have used it to increase their odds of survival. We have used it so well that now we fear even when there’s no imminent threat, we fear the unknown, the future, things that are not even in existence now.
Is being too comfortable uncomfortable ? For me perhaps I feel that way at times and I wonder how people can go on living perfect lives being comfortable. I wish I could be like that - no pursuit, with nary a care.
We are trapped in our cocoon, not knowing how others are, or how we really are. Although I can’t say I absolutely abhor CB or its milder version, I feel a sense of disconnect from people. Also finding myself getting a little short these days & being more calculative of my time and effort. Sometimes I just feel so inundated by everyone’s request and I wonder if I’ve inevitably become everyone’s PA and someone everyone takes for granted. I’m not sure if there can come a day when I can let others do the heavy lifting for me. But knowing myself, it’s probably hard for me to ask for favor or help. Feeling really sick and tired.
The home has become the workplace, the bar, the restaurant, the gym, the bbq, the library, the theatre, the church, these days. Wonder if we will all become hermits in time to come.
