Why do we always seek happiness, that fleeting elusive emotion ? It doesn't stay for long, does it? One moment you have it within your grasp, and the next it has slipped out of your hands.
Sometimes you wonder if it will ever return, sometimes you think you know it will, but sometimes the weight of the world just pulls you deeper and deeper into a dark well and you just know, it will never come back to you. Maybe you will enjoy the coldness and the silence for a while. Maybe you think it is ok to remain in that well where the sun doesn't shine. Maybe it is not ok. Maybe it takes you a day to realize it, maybe it takes you a lifetime.
Sometimes you try so hard to hold on to something that will never be yours. How do you know when to give up?
When do you know it is the end of the road,
When do you realize you are just chasing the wind?
How do you walk away when your heart just keeps running towards the fire?
What do you do when you get burnt?
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Monday, May 22, 2017
Coulda woulda shoulda
She decided then that it will be a secret she would keep forever in her heart.
She watched him walk away and knew they would probably never meet again.
Dawn turned to dusk and dusk to dawn, the years passed.
She got married with 2.5 kids, a white picket fence (no, not really, a small apartment actually in the lower east side), and was widowed at the age of 62.
Her eyes are almost blind with cataracts now and she walks stiffly.
But even in the hazy world she lives in now, she sees him again at the park where she has been taking her walks for the last ten years.
He is different now but his eyes, through them, she can still find the boy she once knew and loved.
He sees her too and with a little courage...
Coffee? He asks.
It is a date that came a little too late
She nods her head and smiles, a little bemused at how age has eradicated the shyness of her youth.
They take a slow walk in silence to a cafe by the lake- a charming glass house filled with blooming flowers and hanging planters.
They sit opposite each other in a quiet corner of the cafe.. He orders his americano, she, her flat white.
She stares at him, unable to look away.
She wants to touch his crowfeet, the wrinkles.. so much time has passed. She feels strange- young and old at the same time.
She chuckles softly, shaking her head and thinks of all the coulda shoulda woulda.
You can have the world beneath your feet but time, it slips through your fingers and never returns.
She watched him walk away and knew they would probably never meet again.
Dawn turned to dusk and dusk to dawn, the years passed.
She got married with 2.5 kids, a white picket fence (no, not really, a small apartment actually in the lower east side), and was widowed at the age of 62.
Her eyes are almost blind with cataracts now and she walks stiffly.
But even in the hazy world she lives in now, she sees him again at the park where she has been taking her walks for the last ten years.
He is different now but his eyes, through them, she can still find the boy she once knew and loved.
He sees her too and with a little courage...
Coffee? He asks.
It is a date that came a little too late
She nods her head and smiles, a little bemused at how age has eradicated the shyness of her youth.
They take a slow walk in silence to a cafe by the lake- a charming glass house filled with blooming flowers and hanging planters.
They sit opposite each other in a quiet corner of the cafe.. He orders his americano, she, her flat white.
She stares at him, unable to look away.
She wants to touch his crowfeet, the wrinkles.. so much time has passed. She feels strange- young and old at the same time.
She chuckles softly, shaking her head and thinks of all the coulda shoulda woulda.
You can have the world beneath your feet but time, it slips through your fingers and never returns.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Hollow dreams
Let us go to places unknown,
Secret gardens and islands old,
Magic dragons and friendly trolls.
Feel the wind and the tragic snow
Sail the seas and hear the roosters crow.
Hold my hand and we will go,
Hold our breaths and we will know,
We have found the rainbow's gold.
Hear the crickets moan,
As I play on the old banjo,
You sang me a song of sweet chariot swinging low,
My lips to the words I follow
And with you I sang that song of old.
Swing low, sweet chariot, swing low.
That tree of weepy willow,
so full of mellow,
It bends and it sways wherever the wind blows,
To the ends of the world with you I will go,
But then the night shatters and I am all alone,
It is only but a dream hollow.
Secret gardens and islands old,
Magic dragons and friendly trolls.
Feel the wind and the tragic snow
Sail the seas and hear the roosters crow.
Hold my hand and we will go,
Hold our breaths and we will know,
We have found the rainbow's gold.
Hear the crickets moan,
As I play on the old banjo,
You sang me a song of sweet chariot swinging low,
My lips to the words I follow
And with you I sang that song of old.
Swing low, sweet chariot, swing low.
That tree of weepy willow,
so full of mellow,
It bends and it sways wherever the wind blows,
To the ends of the world with you I will go,
But then the night shatters and I am all alone,
It is only but a dream hollow.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
The sea
Thought of finding something simple to paint to ease myself back to painting again but oh the horrors of painting the sea! Being greedy I painted an extra wave and it just looked weird now... sigh.. any errors mean re-painting most part of it..
This much took me a few seatings... probably the longest time I've spent painting anything. The colors are difficult to blend and mimick.... a real pain....
This much took me a few seatings... probably the longest time I've spent painting anything. The colors are difficult to blend and mimick.... a real pain....
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Lazy days
been lazy these days- not painting, reading little, not writing... spent my time watching random YouTube videos, playing games... ugh. I feel sorry for the time wasted on nothing.
Last week's study was on Revelations chpt 14.... someone mentioned that there is a possibility that it will be heaven on earth after the last days. Instead of us thinking of heaven as a place up there, earth will be restored to God's original plan of a Garden of Eden. Hence we should do our part for this coming "restoration"- caring for the environment and other social concerns.
Perhaps that's true although I couldn't wrap my head around it at first. My thoughts had always been that this earth is deteriorating, that no matter what we do, it is futile- we are just heading for self-destruction. Morbid? Yes but that's the law of entropy, isn't it? I don't see how in my finite mind that the earth could be transformed to paradise. But all these don't really matter, whether it is heaven on earth or a new heaven..I believe somehow that this life is just a dress rehearsal...
Yes we need to be concerned about the environment, people, social issues, etc because all of these belong to God and we are called to be stewards of His creation. In this life, we hone ourselves to be better stewards such that when earth is restored to perfection, history will not repeat itself because those who are in it, have prep a lifetime for this.
At cell today, I was saying how "split" I feel at times- being a different person when I am in different company. Which of me is my true self? The beer swigging one, the meek church mouse, the tactless sharp tongue one, the diplomatic one? But I think perhaps all of us are like that.. some maybe more so than others.. I don't know.
Hadn't done the review for Neil Gail nan's truth is a cave in the black mountains. Man, this book gave me the creeps just like the ocean at the end of the lane. I can't put my finger on it but there's just something sinister in the things he writes...
Need to get things organized, scheduled and then sticking to the schedule.
Really need to paint and start taking online courses and getting my project sorted out. Been procrastinating and procrastinating.... procrastination is a disease that eats at you.
I agree that the things we regret the most are those we didn't do, rather than those we did. Even if things ended up badly because of what we did, oftentimes there is a lesson to take away from it. But for things we didn't do, what lessons do we draw from them? Nothing...
Last week's study was on Revelations chpt 14.... someone mentioned that there is a possibility that it will be heaven on earth after the last days. Instead of us thinking of heaven as a place up there, earth will be restored to God's original plan of a Garden of Eden. Hence we should do our part for this coming "restoration"- caring for the environment and other social concerns.
Perhaps that's true although I couldn't wrap my head around it at first. My thoughts had always been that this earth is deteriorating, that no matter what we do, it is futile- we are just heading for self-destruction. Morbid? Yes but that's the law of entropy, isn't it? I don't see how in my finite mind that the earth could be transformed to paradise. But all these don't really matter, whether it is heaven on earth or a new heaven..I believe somehow that this life is just a dress rehearsal...
Yes we need to be concerned about the environment, people, social issues, etc because all of these belong to God and we are called to be stewards of His creation. In this life, we hone ourselves to be better stewards such that when earth is restored to perfection, history will not repeat itself because those who are in it, have prep a lifetime for this.
At cell today, I was saying how "split" I feel at times- being a different person when I am in different company. Which of me is my true self? The beer swigging one, the meek church mouse, the tactless sharp tongue one, the diplomatic one? But I think perhaps all of us are like that.. some maybe more so than others.. I don't know.
Hadn't done the review for Neil Gail nan's truth is a cave in the black mountains. Man, this book gave me the creeps just like the ocean at the end of the lane. I can't put my finger on it but there's just something sinister in the things he writes...
Need to get things organized, scheduled and then sticking to the schedule.
Really need to paint and start taking online courses and getting my project sorted out. Been procrastinating and procrastinating.... procrastination is a disease that eats at you.
I agree that the things we regret the most are those we didn't do, rather than those we did. Even if things ended up badly because of what we did, oftentimes there is a lesson to take away from it. But for things we didn't do, what lessons do we draw from them? Nothing...
Sunday, April 9, 2017
The heart is ill these days- filled with doubts and whatnots. Today at service, I began to wonder if Christ was truly the Messiah or was it all a myth? I shudder to think that I could think of things like that. I pushed the thoughts away as I couldn't bear my own disbelief and scepticism. Why is my heart hard? Why is it so difficult to truly embrace God and to put God In the Centre of my life? Went for block outreach today; was initially dragging my feet but later found that I quite enjoyed the task.
I guess I need to pray harder and to dwell in His words more.
On a side note, it is strange how these days most people brush away the importance of religion in a relationship. How do two people come together, move together when their very core beliefs and values are vastly different? For instance, a Christian might believe in the everlasting life and so lend little significance to the now and the world s/he lives in, which is contrary to what the non-believer values- the now, materialism, etc.
society also tends to emphasise the importance of self- we see the tons of books in the self-help section of a bookstore-where else the Christian belief is one that emphasizes losing the self.
How do we reconcile these differences?
Although I cannot say that I've been in the Christian community for a long time but i do observe a difference between a godly man and one who is not. I can't place a finger on it but the godly man seems to exude a certain radiance, softness and goodness which I don't see in most people.
I guess I need to pray harder and to dwell in His words more.
On a side note, it is strange how these days most people brush away the importance of religion in a relationship. How do two people come together, move together when their very core beliefs and values are vastly different? For instance, a Christian might believe in the everlasting life and so lend little significance to the now and the world s/he lives in, which is contrary to what the non-believer values- the now, materialism, etc.
society also tends to emphasise the importance of self- we see the tons of books in the self-help section of a bookstore-where else the Christian belief is one that emphasizes losing the self.
How do we reconcile these differences?
Although I cannot say that I've been in the Christian community for a long time but i do observe a difference between a godly man and one who is not. I can't place a finger on it but the godly man seems to exude a certain radiance, softness and goodness which I don't see in most people.
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